


\ - - Beyond Words - - /

by Broadway_trashdump, Hot_Damn_its_Kam



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: (Alluded) Physical Abuse, Adopted Alex & Laf (it's implied and I realized too late that we never explained it), Car Accidents, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff, Henry Laurens' A+ Parenting, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Speech Disorders, Transcortical Motor Aphasia, Verbal Abuse, basically it's no one knows how to handle trauma for this many chapters, brain injuries, injuries, tw cursing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:20:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 37,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25429822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broadway_trashdump/pseuds/Broadway_trashdump, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hot_Damn_its_Kam/pseuds/Hot_Damn_its_Kam
Summary: The Revolutionary Set have survived their first week of Junior year, so they set out to celebrate. That Saturday also happens to be Laf's birthday! But an unexpected incident turns everyone's world upside down. And one of them is unable to speak. How does an average teenager teach everyone that love goes beyond words?(The summary is super cheese, but it's good I promise)
Relationships: John Laurens/Alexander Hamilton
Comments: 223
Kudos: 100





	1. Ten of Cups

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A party, an accident, and a broken heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Just wanted to preface this by saying YES!! This had already been posted/been having updates since a month or so ago! Here's what happened! I was uploading chapter six and was in the process of reformatting it to it was easier to read on ao3. I had to step away and went to press the "Save as Draft" button, but accidentally pressed "post". Oops! No big deal just delete the chapter and restart (looking back I could have just gone back and edited, I know, but I'm a perfectionist and my Anxiety wouldn't let me). Oops 2 the sequel! I **THOUGHT** that I had deleted the chapter but LO AND BEHOLD I actually deleted the whole work!! W H O O P S I E. SO! That's why it mysteriously vanished for like 2 days. Anyhow!! Chapter six is up now! All the comments and kudos were deleted, so we're a little sad that those things are gone, but thanks for sticking around and reading this LONG ASS AUTHOR'S NOTE! Enjoy the story! (Also welcome new readers! Sorry if you know nothing about this!)
> 
> \-- Kandi <3

**Friday, September 6 - Lafayette's 17th Birthday Celebration - Day One of a Cascade into Hell**

Alex had insisted that everyone come out and celebrate. They'd successfully lived through the first week of Junior Year, and his birthday happened to fall on that saturday. Angelica volunteered to drive everyone out to get Mexican Food and (virgin) cocktails in her Infiniti QX; Ange and John in the front, Laf, Alex and Herc in the middle, and Liz and Peg in the back. The damn car was huge, and brand-spanking-new. What a teenager going to private school in inner-city New York needed for, no one quite knew. Regardless, Everyone was having an absolute blast. They were having the time of their lives, a perfect low-ish-key birthday celebration for an amazing friend. Music was slowly pumping through the speakers in the bar as the group sang along to Party In The USA by Miley Cyrus— 

_“So I put my hands up, they're playing my song, you know I’m gonna be okay!”_

They knew they were dorks, they embraced it. But John couldn't help the sinking feeling in the deepest part of his gut. Premonition and indigestion were pretty indistinguishable, he supposed, but something was up. Maybe it was the shrimp tacos he'd just shared with Peggy, but it didn't _feel_ like it was something he'd eaten. He must've gotten a bit too lost in thought as the song slowly trickled to an end because he was visibly shaken when Alex joined him at the bar and bumped his hip, looking at him quizzically and asking "What's your deal? Everything okay? I know you don't like busy places, but that was like, our friend group song and you missed it.” 

John shook his head, "Nah, just got a weird feeling. Can't put my finger on it."

Alex gave him a funny look, then shrugged, "Maybe that shrimp was sketchy?"

"I... don't think it was the food. I just had a weird feeling, you know? Like something bad's gonna happen?" John shook his head, "I'm just paranoid."

Alex shrugged, "Well, if you get struck by lightning at least you'll die knowing you're psychic."

_That_ made John laugh. Alex always found a way to lift his spirits, "Yeah, I guess so."

"C'mon, lets go get some more of those bomb nachos," Alex muttered, brushing John's hand as he headed back to their table. John blushed and smiled. They'd been playing these games for months - "accidental" brushes of skin, flirty smiles, teasing. But neither of them dared to make a move, even though they both knew it was mutual.

When they'd both arrived back at the table, their friends had _somehow_ convinced the restaurant manager to let them hook up Hercules' phone to the sound system, much to the displeasure of the other patrons. John felt bad for them, but his friends were having a good time, and one night of some good tunes with his buddies surely wouldn't shut down Juan's Mexican Grill. The place had been open and bustling longer than any of them had been alive.

Hours later, they piled into the car, giggling and singing and cheering, drunk on air and each other's company. They'd successfully blew most of their pocket money on chips, queso, and soda, but no one seemed too upset. Angelica turned the car on, heading back toward the Schuyler Penthouse for the extension of Laf's birthday festivities: Movie Night and likely some late night pizza. 

John bounced his leg nervously. Why was he nervous? He was supposed to be having fun! What the hell is up with this moodiness? Music buzzed around them through the speakers. The vibrations would’ve usually lulled John to calmness but it just wasn’t happening tonight. The unease in the pit of his stomach just wouldn’t subside. 

_“And when the seasons change, will you stand by me?_

_You know you're on my mind..."_

John tried to focus on the words, or his friends singing in miss-matched keys and wrong notes as they laughed and smiled to each other. John could feel a small smile creep on his face and his eyes drifted from each of his friends faces, finally landing on Alex’s face. Something about Alex‘s face always brought John solace, it was his lighthouse in a storm, it was the eye of the storm, it was the small piece of calm that John could find in a crowded place, in a crowded mind. The warmth quickly spread in John’s chest as he traced the lines of Alex’s face in his mind, as he laughed and sang along with the wrong line of the song, and playfully slapped Laf for correcting him. John was shaken from his thoughts of Alex quickly, though— 

Laf clapped his hands, trying to get everyone's attention, "Guys, Guys! I wanted to say, uh, say a few words. Don't worry, I'll be brief!" He turned and made sure everyone was paying attention (except Angelica, of course, who had her eyes on the road). Laf smiled, very sincerely. He wasn't one to get emotional, but here goes, "You guys, I... I haven't felt this much love, or-or joy, in such a long time. I'm so lucky to have such dear, dear friends around. When I came here, from France, I... I thought I was doomed to a life of seclusion. Of other-ness, but you all welcomed me with open arms and for this I will be forever grateful. We only have two more years together, let us make the most of-"

"ANGELICA WATCH OUT!" Peggy screeched.

John 's head snapped forward only to see bright light hurtling toward him. Oh god.

-

The sound of impact was immediately followed by silence. Tight, suffocating, terrifying silence. Everyone was panting. Something rolled, then settled in its final resting place. Angelica spoke up, shaky and rasped, "Everyone okay?"

"I-I'm good. My neck hurts a little, but I'm okay." Peggy said.

"Yeah, me too," Eliza mumbled.

Alex groaned, "My shoulder's fucked..." He struggled to reach over and grasp his own arm to stabilize it, Laf immediately turned to him, trying to get a better look, ever protective. Alex continued, "I think I hit it on the door." 

Angelica nodded, "Okay, okay, uh... Hercules? Laf?"

"Uh... I'm fine I think. Just a- a little, um.. shaky? Shake.. uh..." Laf stammered, English slipping as he still tried to tend to Alex, more worried about his brother than anyone else. 

"Shaken," Hercules supplied, "My leg is completely numb. I can't feel it at all. What about you John?"

Silence. A painful silence. 

"John?"

Nothing.

Realization hit Angelica harder than that pickup had just hit her SUV. John was unresponsive. The window had shattered, and John's face was covered in blood. He was mangled, nearly beyond recognition, "Oh, God... Oh god, call 911 now. NOW! DO IT NOW! SHIT!"

It was the first time any of them had heard her curse. 

She scrambled to move out of her seat, careful to not touch him. Her hands hovered quickly and shakily over him, unsure where to touch him, unsure if she even could touch him. Tears were brimming her eyes and spilling over as she just woefully decided to try and move the broken bits of glass off of him. She was breathing shakily trying to calm herself down. John will be okay. John will be okay. 

* * *

Despite the circumstances, everyone made it out relatively unscathed. Alex's shoulder ended up being dislocated, but it was _re-_ located at the earliest convenience (aka when his parents arrived),"Hurt like a _bitch_ ," Alex had murmured when recounting what happened during the procedure, "Fucking said they would do it on three and they fucking went on _two._ Who _does_ that?!" This time, Mrs.Washington didn't even chastise his language.

Hercules' leg wasn't actually broken, the doctor had said something about blood flow and shock and the like. It had basically just fallen asleep and he panicked.

Angelica had some bruises and burns from the airbags, but she was more or less okay, if not silent and stoic. Eliza and Peggy were actually okay. Whiplash, sure, but that was a few days worth of soreness, no long term effects. What Angie saw that night... would have long term effects, no questions asked.

When they had whisked John into that ambulance, most of them had feared the worst. Angelica didn't let her sisters look at him, she couldn't risk anyone else feeling what she felt. But Alex saw. Alex saw, and... and everything he'd ever wanted and loved was there, so hurt, and bloodied and broken and it felt like it had slipped through his very fingertips, and there was nothing he could do to change it. Nothing he could write or speak his way out of. So it was no surprise when he seemed so... mopey in the waiting room.

The Washingtons had arrived at the hospital almost as quickly as the students had, seeing as how Laf had called them once EMS had arrived. Angelica's brand-new car had been totaled. Hercules' moms arrived soon after them, both of them cooing over their son, who assured them he was okay. Mr. Schuyler came about an hour later, having a bit further to travel. He quickly smothered his girls when something happened that no one expected.

Angelica, ever strong, ever present, ever stoic, broke down. Even her sisters had never seen her in such a state. Her whole body shook with the force of her sobs, mumbling something about this being her fault, that John can't die. Everyone's heart twisted and squeezed watching it. It took hours to console her. If you could even call it consolation.

Eventually Mrs. and Mrs. Mulligan thought it best to take Hercules home. Let him rest and recuperate, begging everyone to keep them posted. Mr. Schuyler and Mr. Washington did their best to get hold of John's father, Henry, but it was wordlessly understood that he was most likely passed out on the couch, drunk. Mr. Washington insisted that Mr. Schuyler take the girls home. It had been a rough night, for the eldest especially, and they all needed their rest.

So they left. Everyone left, but Alex begged and begged and begged to stay. Begged to stay until someone else was here to wait for him, until John woke up, until he could see him again, until everything was okay. Everything _had_ to be okay. The Washington’s couldn’t help but agree, seeing the tears brim to Alex’s eyes as he pleaded. So they sat. And they waited. And they were ignored by every doctor or nurse that walked by. Alex bounced his leg, or picked the at Velcro of the brace that held his arm tight to his side, or drummed his fingers on his arm, his leg, his face, basically anywhere. He ticked away just as the time did. John will be okay, right? He has to be okay. Alex thinks of all the things he should’ve done. He should’ve just grabbed John and kissed his face and held his hand. He should’ve done something. He should’ve he... he should’ve not been a weak bitch. The regrets piled up until Mr. Washington shook him out of it— 

“Son?” George’s voice pulled Alex out of his panic. Alex’s head snapped up and ran his free hand through his hair as George rubbed his back slowly. Alex used to hate George’s calm demeanor, how are you always so calm in such great moments of panic? But over time, Alex accepted and even embraced it. Alex just leaned into his touch while his mind continued to wander, but to much more positive fields. 

Finally, it seemed like years later— Henry Laurens' girlfriend, Nadia, showed up. Not much older than John himself, actually, but she seemed concerned, and responsible enough to be there if something went wrong. So the Washington family went home. The ride home was hell.

-

When they arrived home, Alex gave Lafayette a half-hug, since his left arm was rendered useless for the next few weeks. He whispered a "happy birthday," followed by an "I'm sorry."

Laf shrugged, "It is useless to mope. It couldn't be helped."

Alex winced, seeing and hearing the pain, the regret, the fear laced within those words and engraved in his eyes. "It'll be okay. I'm okay, you're okay, we're okay."

"John is not okay."

Alex's heart clenched, his throat felt tight.

Lafayette repeated, "John is not okay. Can you tell me he will be okay?"

"Laf, you know I can't promise you that-"

"Because as far as I'm concerned he is the _last_ person to have to go through that. He has been the _kindest,_ most _caring_ friend I've ever, _ever_ had," Laf's voice quivered now with tears, "And now, he could be dead or dying for all we know. Because his damn deadbeat father never showed up after a pickup truck hurdled into his exact seat in the car. So tell me why I should think everything is okay when my first friend in a brand-new country is sitting in a hospital bed without me. When he is dying and I am not-"

"We don't know that he's dying," Alex interrupted.

"If he was fine they would have told us so, don't you think Alexander?"

Alex sighed through his nose, closed his eyes, "Look, Laf, you're my- my brother and I love you, but it's been a long night. I'm in a lot of pain and... I saw John when they pulled him into that ambulance, so I know I'm not getting any sleep tonight, but if you could stop arguing with me and help me pick out some mindless television to watch, I'd really appreciate it. I know this is hard for you, and I'm sorry, I really am, but-"

"You saw him?"

Alex paused, then nodded, slowly.

"So what Angelica saw really was that bad?"

Alex gave a one-armed shrug, "It was...I-I can't... I can't talk about it. Okay, I just, Laf it was _awful_..."

Laf's eyes went watery, and he nodded, "Let's go... find something to watch."

—

After countless tears senselessly rolling down Lafs cheek, two episodes of The Golden Girls, and an entire tub of sorbet later, Laf was asleep next to Alex on the couch, curled under a blanket. Alex just sighed and hoisted himself up, shuffling to the kitchen. He opened the fridge and just stared for a minute, before grabbing an almond milk yogurt and the jug of chocolate oat milk, which sucks because sometimes good old American lactose- **full** chocolate milk is the only solvent to an emotionally taxing day. 

As his yogurt came to an end and the chocolate oat milk carton neared empty the small dome light of the stove clicked on, illuminating George’s soft face with a yellow glow. 

George sighed, “Alexander... you know eating right before bed gives you nightmares.” 

Alex half shrugged playing with the lid to the yogurt in his available hand, “I’m not going to be able to sleep anyway.” 

George softly pulled out the kitchen chair next to where Alex was sat and took a swig of the oat milk, only slightly wincing at the taste. He wiped his mouth on his sleeve then shifted towards Alex.

“Talk to me”. 

Several beats of silence passed. George could only imagine the words buzzing in Alex’s brain like angry hornets, for a kid who never stopped talking, he was stoic, different. After some time Alex finally took a shaky breath— 

“I saw him.” 

Before George could even offer an answer Alex was off, words jumbling and spilling out of Alex like water down a steep hill after a storm. 

“H-he was so bloody and hurt, just pinned against the door a-and he wouldn’t answer! I just needed to hear his voice and know he was okay but he— he couldn’t say anything he didn’t.. he didn’t and I— I couldn’t help I wanted to help him b-but my arm and... I-l” he trailed off, his breath spiking as he ran his hand through his hair. George put a strong hand on Alex’s good shoulder 

“Alexander there is no difference you could have made. The cards were dealt and we just have to play the game, and wait this out. Not you, or Angelica, nor the man driving that truck can change what happened or what’s going to happen, all we can do is wait, and stay hopeful, and everything will be okay.” 

Alex just quickly threw himself into George, embracing him with his good arm, trying not to shake. George just accepted and rubbed the boy’s back. George was never one to beg the gods, but boy did he beg for John's life, and for Alex’s sanity. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please feel free to say hi on tumblr!! We'd love to chat with you about anything! 
> 
> Kam/Kandi (KookiKandi) - [ Vic (broadway_trashdump) - ](thekookiestkandi.tumblr.com)[ @yosoytriste ](yosoytriste.tumblr.com)


	2. The Devil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new frenemy and a visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vic made a playlist for this chapter, and Kandi listened to it after it had been written and cried the whole time. Just thought it was pertinent. If you would also like someone to rob you of any joy, have this [ playlist link. ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/33g2QBBbu6JaJFfnksr1ng?si=Bt4ffEhTRCGLISvAXlcfCw)

**Sept. 7 - Mount Sinai Hospital - Day Two of a Cascade into Hell**

Hospitals are stark and cold, Nadia noted to herself, rubbing her shoulders. 

She sighed, waiting for a nurse or doctor to come up to her to talk about her boyfriend's son, since, obviously, her boyfriend was not there himself. Henry was a good guy, he was just misguided. Misguided enough to ignore her calls and texts about John, misguided enough to disappear for days on end only to come home drunk beyond comprehension. You know, she didn’t ask to become a mom. Especially a mom to a family who's oldest kid is only 6 years younger than her. But if she was being honest, John was what she’d want her son to be. 

He’s kind and honest and creative and cares for his siblings. She’ll never understand why Henry is so hard on him. 

As the day progressed on, the small boy from previous night (morning? He left pretty late) rejoined the waiting room with— who Nadia could only assume— was his father. The sling strapping his arm to his chest took up most of the boys body, as he tapped his leg nervously. Nadia was mindlessly flipping through a People magazine when she felt the boy approaching her, his gaze burning into the back of her skull. He had an anxious energy floating around him, invading her peaceful space easily. 

“How can you just sit there and wait?” 

Nadia snapped her head up to meet Alex’s gaze. Passion burned in his eyes, but the hint of sadness and fear was unmaskable. 

“And what am I supposed to do instead?” She asked folding the magazine over her crossed legs.

Alex, knowing that there’s no good answer to her inquiry, shifted gears. 

“Where’s his shithead dad?” 

“Alexander, language!” George called from his seat. Alex rolled his eyes and held firm.

Nadia just sighed, shoulders shrugging in defeat. “I don’t know. He won’t answer my calls. He didn’t come home last night I haven’t heard from him.” 

Of fucking course. Trademark fucking Henry.

Before Alexander has time to respond a doctor approaches Nadia, completely ignoring Alex. 

“Ma'am, you’re the guardian here for John Laurens, correct? I’m Dr. Greene, the attending physician who’s been looking after John in the ICU.” Dr. Grenne had jet black hair, in a classic youth-pastor-like swoop, a handsome, smile kind green eyes. _Eyes like John's._

“Is he okay? Is he awake? Is he going to survive?” Alex floods Dr. Greene with questions before Nadia can reply— “I need to see him. I need to know he’s okay!” Alex rushes his words out, slight panic raising in his chest and spewing out, like vomit, only worse. 

“Well, right now it’s just family, so unless you’re related I can’t let you back...”

"Can you tell me _anything?!_ " Alex screeched, drawing the attention of some others.

George quickly stands and begins to steer Alex to a chair, noting how upset Alex has become. His face ghostly and blank, rage in his eyes. George starts to rub his back as Alex runs his hand through and pull at his hair. Dr. Greene turns to Nadia and begins speaking again, but she can’t stop glancing towards Alex. He is clearly distraught, silently whispering to George, worry and anxiety crossing his face, betraying what he seems to believe is his calm demeanor. Nadia feels the tugs at her heart strings, he probably has more of a right to be at John's side than she does. He _has_ known John longer anyway. And John would want his friends to see him, especially if he never leaves the hospital. Nadia shivered at the thought.

“—so if you’re ready, I can bring you back to see him.” Dr. Greene quickly snaps her out of it. 

“Uh- yeah. Yeah I’m ready... can my little brother come back with me?” She says, glancing at Alex. 

“I wasn’t aware your brother was here...” 

“Well, yeah he’s right there.” She says definitely, pointing to Alex. “He’s clearly upset that his ‘technical’ nephew is hurt and wants to see him.” 

Alex’s head snaps up to meet Dr. Greene’s eyes, then to Nadia's, his own eyes glassy with tears of desperation.

Now, Dr. Greene was no idiot. He is well aware that this is not this young woman’s brother, but it’s the end of his 12 hour shift and he’s not in the mood to fight. So he lets it go.

“Then yes, both of you follow me," He clips, pinching the bridge of his nose.

It was a silent walk down the pristine white hallways of the hospital. It was silent, but the small sounds of bustling nurses moving swiftly past them, and Alex's radiating anxiety had a near-audible buzz. Alex glanced at Nadia, who just continued to look forward. They approached the room of the ICU, closed in with an opaque sliding glass door. Dr. Greene hesitated while grasping the door handle— 

“I just want to give you a fair warning... he’s not the John you remember.” He sighs, looking down. “The kid really took a beating... his brain was bleeding, we categorized him as a TBI, traumatic brain injury, he’s currently intubated and in a medically induced coma to try and... essentially give his brain a break, a chance to heal... it’s shaky right now. He has about... 25-30 stitches from his forehead down to his ear from a chunk of broken glass.” 

Nadia sighs and nods her head, continuing chatting with the doctor. Alex on the other hand was slowly spiraling. He probably shouldn’t have come back, he wishes George was here, he wishes actually that none of them were here. He wishes that they even didn’t go out for Laf’s birthday. 

This was all his fault, you know. Laf just wanted to stay home and have a movie night with the friends but Alex thought they should go out and celebrate. If not his birthday then school starting. Insisted they get out of the house. He should’ve just shut the fu— 

Nadia's soft hand squeezing his elbow snaps him back to the hospital, waiting in front of the sliding glass door. 

“Mijo, are you okay?” The word cuts through like ice. Cold, hard, unforgiving. Genuine worry crossing her face. Alex snatches his elbow out of her grip and glares at her— 

“Don’t call me that.” 

He shifts past her slowly to enter the room. The lights are dimmed, and there he was. 

Alex was instantly nailed to the floor, his feet were heavy cement blocks, and his lungs felt like they were filling up with cement too. His heart wrenched in a way that caused _physical pain._ Alex studied him from his head to his toes, not wanting to remember this moment exactly, but just to take in everything. 

He looked so small in that damned bed. His curls are splayed out around his head, some still darkened from his dried blood. Like some kind of tarnished halo, how emo, Alex had thought to himself. A thick bandage that was slowly becoming crimson was wrapped around his head— the nurses would be in soon to change it. His eyelids were taped closed, and Alex hated it. That was probably the worst. His beautiful green eyes hidden away, his eyes that showed happiness and sadness and excitement. There was a thick tube going into his mouth strapped around his head and held on by velcro. Alex changed his mind, that was the worst. That made him not look like John anymore. It was a foreign body to Alex. 

A hundred different wires led to a hundred different machines, some strapped to his chest, some his neck. IV ports in his arms and his finger wrapped in a heart monitor. Alex felt the room start to spin, he felt like he was standing there for a lifetime, but in reality only two minutes had passed. Everything was dizzying and swervy. He slowly came back into focus as Dr. Greene walked out, the click of the door awakening him. Nadia leaned in to move a curl out of Johns face but Alex quickly smacked it away. 

“You don’t have the fucking right to touch him.” Alex snarled. He knew Nadia meant well, but anyone who can stand by and watch _Professional Shit Head Henry Laurens_ treat his kid the way he treats John can burn in the same flames that Henry has waiting for him. Fucking enabler.

Nadia just retracted her hand and stepped back. Alex didn’t care, he didn’t give a fuck what she did. He moved the curl gently back into place and his hand lingered, the heat coming off John welcoming and semi-comforting as the September cold snuck into the hospital through the old windows. A sign that he was, indeed, alive.

If anything, John was alive, and that was what grounded Alex in that moment. He was _alive._

And for just the moment, it was just the two of them in the world. Everything else faded away. Nadia, the machines and nonsense that ties knots around John. Just John. Just Alex. Together.

"I love you," Alex said to him, running a knuckle down John's cheek. There was little skin left untainted and uncovered, but his right cheek was still soft and pretty. "I should have said it so long ago. I love you, and now you might not ever get to hear me say it..."

The EKG beeped steadily.

"If I could trade places with you I would. I would suffer a million times if it meant that... that this..." Alex felt himself start to cry. A tear fell onto John's hand. He steadied himself, "If it meant that this didn't ever happen to you. If it meant that I could spend every day next to you, and see your smile and kiss your face I would suffer in your place a million times over and over..." He spiraled.

Nadia watched as Alex unfolded. Something deep in her heart told her that Alex wasn't an ordinary kid. And neither was John. But seeing the way they interacted- er well, the way _Alex_ interacted with John, gave her a warm feeling. Somewhere between joy and hope. So she stepped out. Not because she couldn't watch, but because she shouldn't. This was something she wasn't meant to see.

And once again. It was only John and Alex. John and Alex against the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vic's chapter with edits by Kam!
> 
> Please leave Kudos or comments if you like!! We love hearing from you!
> 
> Or!! Say hello on tumblr! Kandi's a slut for comments and tumblr messages!
> 
> Kam (KookiKandi) - [ Vic (broadway_trashdump) - ](thekookiestkandi.tumblr.com)[ @yosoytriste ](yosoytriste.tumblr.com)


	3. Boats against the current

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories, Gatsby, and progress.

_"C'mon Alex, I wanna show you something..." John had whispered as they snuck out of the room that Henry had ordered them to stay in and into John's bedroom._

_"John, you're gonna get in trouble. Your dad said-"_

_"Shh!" John covered his mouth and shut the door ever-so-gingerly, "Look."_

_Alex frowned, watching as John made his way over to the bookcase. He pulled out a rather large box-set. A Harry Potter Box Set. But these were just the covers. Inside were pages among pages torn out of notebooks and staff paper books. Song lyrics, chord tablatures. Tons of it. Alex could see the strain on John's face lifting it, meaning it was_ **_heavy_ ** _._

_"Father made me 'dump' all this stuff a while back. So I just hid it. He can take away my iPod, my piano, my guitar, but he can't keep me from pen and paper. So. There's these. I guess I just wanted to share them with someone, and... You were the only one I could trust. Laf would just blab and then I would really have to hide them."_

_Alex's eyes scanned the piece that had ended up in his hand. He had no idea what it meant, but you could tell by the way it was written -- This was not to be taken lightly. This was a masterful thing._

_"...Wow," Alex whispered, wonderstruck, "I had no idea..."_

_John blushed, rubbing at the nape of his neck, "Yeah, I even took some of those old poems from back home you gave me and set them to music. I would play for you, but..."_

_Alex smiled, "I get it. You better put these up before Hen-"_

_As if on cue, there was a bang and then a shout "John!! John get the fuck back in here. What'd I tell you?! Don't be playin' fuckin' homo buddies in there. And get me another beer!"_

* * *

**Sept 16 - Mount Sinai Hospital - Day... unknown of a descent into hell - Day one of John's dive off the deep end**

Alex woke up with a start. This was not the first time he'd fallen asleep next to John in the hospital. In fact he's lost count after spending... how many days? Over a week at least, in the hospital with John, only going home when forced. But this time it wasn't a nurse who woke him, but this awful, horrid choking sound. Alex's heart thundered. _He's dying. This is it. Say goodbye._

Alex slammed the call button and screamed for help. Tears flooded his eyes. No. No no no no no no no no no-

A small group of nurses swarmed into the room, seeing the commotion. One did something Alex didn't quite see as others began checking monitors and observing around his tube and prodding at his other monitors, the group kept Alex back. He started to cry.

Thankfully someone heard this and turned around. A pretty lady with deep, bronze eyes and a kind smile. "Hey, kiddo. It's okay, I know it looks bad, but that sound means he's breathing on his own, okay? They're just making sure it's safe for him to do that, but they panicked because you panicked. It’s progress, it’s a good thing you called though, or he really could’ve hurt himself."

Alex nodded, trying not to look. He'd always had a weak stomach. But before he knew it, he couldn’t look away. The head nurse turned off the machine pumping air into his lungs and began taking the straps off of John's head gingerly, avoiding his bandages wrapped around his head. 

“John, honey you’re in mount Sinai hospital, can you give me a thumbs up if you understand?” 

Alex felt like they sat for years waiting for him to respond. One never came. The nurse slowly peeled back the tape from his eye and checked his pupils, she nodded to herself and turned to another nurse on the team.

“He’s still responsive, but out of it, let’s just move him to oxygen, okay? Let’s start him at 93%.”

“Okay honey, now this is gonna be a little uncomfortable, but we’re going to take your tube out.”

Alex appreciated the nurse speaking to John like he was awake, like he was part of the decision-making process. The nurses moved swiftly around him, one setting up an oxygen line behind John, one bringing in a tray of tools. Alex continued to watch warily, as they deflated the tube, and eventually swiftly pulled it out, causing John to cough and wheeze. The nurse who set up the oxygen line swiftly slipped it over his head and tightened it around his ears. His coughing eventually slowed and Alex couldn’t help but think how fucking disgusting watching the tube being pulled out was. 

They sent him home shortly after, saying John needed to rest, his body needed time to adjust breathing on his own. Alex tried to argue, but he wouldn't want to hinder John's healing. So he left.

-

George sent him to school the next day, since he'd gotten that damn sling removed, and seemed in a fine enough head space to get back to a semi-normal life. The sling was not the over the shoulder kind, but the around your torso kind. So for someone as small and jittery as Alexander, it was quite the nuisance. But if it meant that he wouldn't have to have surgery, if it meant he could stay by John, it was worth it.

Everyone would ask how John was doing, since he was the only one of their friends to have seen him and Martha, John's younger sister, hadn't actually seen him yet.

Angelica still felt so guilty, so he avoided talking about it with her. Gave her vague answers and reassuring smiles. Lafayette, though, was mopey. Even when they were at home, Laf would shut himself in his room. Alex could hear him crying. He couldn't blame him.

Baby steps toward an awake John, but the doctors seemed very hesitant and wary, and John didn't really _seem_ awake if you asked Alex. He went back to the hospital that afternoon anyway.

Alex was nestled next to John's bed under a blanket. The nurses have become used to him camping in Johns room. One gave him a hospital blanket, one made sure to bring him juice when they came in. The nurses really were so sweet, all kind and caring. Today, Alex was reading The Great Gatsby aloud. One of John's favorite classics.

**"He left feeling that if he had searched harder he might**

**have found her—that he was leaving her behind. The day-**

**coach—he was penniless now—was hot. He went out to the**

**open vestibule and sat down on a folding-chair, and the sta-**

**tion slid away and the backs of unfamiliar buildings moved by.**

**Then out into the spring fields, where a yellow trolley**

**raced them for a minute with people in it who might-"**

A groan. Alex's head snapped up. "John?"

John's lips curled in silent syllables and he sort of slowly and weakly twisted. Alex's heart leapt. "Hey, hey, buddy. Can ya hear me?"

Though the reaction wasn't a total yes, it was clear that John was indeed hearing him.

"Mh..." John croaked, his eyes squinching and fluttering. His chest heaved a little as he took in his surroundings. Heavy breathing turned shallow as John tried to twist around but found himself weak.

_what's happening what's that sound where am i what was alex talking about does he not have any money he said something about being penniless what's that all about i have money in my room stashed on my bookshelf if i could just- wait this isn't my room where's my lava lamp._

_this is a hospital._

_why am i in a hospital??_

_why is alex here? is alex hurt?_

_i have to help him_

_what's all this tubing?_

_i don't like needles who told them to stick me_

"John, hey hey, calm down. Look at me..." Alex's voice soothed, "Hey, there you are. How are you feeling?"

John opened his mouth to speak, _what the fuck is going on?_ But found that the second he tried to speak the words, they... vanished. As if he'd forgotten them.

Alex watched John blanch a bit at the question, his brow furrowing. 

He tried again, "Does anything hurt?"

John opened his mouth again, the world still feeling very murky, as if he'd just been saved from nearly drowning. _Everything feels heavy and numb. My head hurts._

But the words never came.

Alex looked frightened, "John can you- can you hear me?

John summed up all his strength and forced himself to nod. _Yes, I hear you, I promise. I'm trying._

"Okay, say... say something?"

John's heart sank, he _was_. Or at least, he was thinking. He was trying to say the things he was thinking, but every time he tried, all the words seem to have slipped away so quickly he missed them. _Just say yes. Just say yes._

"John?" Alex's lip quivered, "Please?"

please please please please please please please please please please please please

"P-Please... " John said, the force of it exhausting him completely. He had no more words in him.

Alex sighed with relief and brought a hand up to John's face, "I'll call Nadia. She'll want to see you."

John's face turned sour (as much as it could given the significance of his injuries to that area), so Alex sighed again, "She's the only other person who's been able to see you since you've been back here. She's not a bad person, she's just... she doesn't always do the right thing. But she's been here every day, just like me."

_Every day? How long have I been here?!_

Practically reading the question on John's face, Alex said, "It's been almost two weeks. Th-They said... uh... they said you have like... a brain injury- is that why can't talk to me?"

John was so dazed and overwhelmed that the thought of something being wrong with his _brain,_ the most important organ of his _body_ was indeed panic inducing. John's expression crumpled into something helpless. He still had no idea what was going on. And Alex didn't know how to help either. In all honesty, when the nurses walked him through what to do if and when he woke up, Alex had focused in in the _"if"_ part and never actually heard anything they said.

John's heart thundered and shuttered, he took a shaky breath, trying to get his bearings. Alex took his hand. "Hey, i'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to freak you out. I just... I'm glad you're okay, okay? Just take a deep breath. We'll get through this."

_"Together."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEE!! HE'S AWAKE! WHO'S HAPPY?!
> 
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	4. The Tower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dishonesty, fights, and movie nights.

**October 6 - Mount Siniai Hospital - Day undetermined of the terror of one Henry Laurens and the Complacence of One Nadia Fanborough**

As days passed, and everyday John physically became stronger. The physical therapist, Melissa came in and tested his motor skills, stretched his legs for him, made sure everything was still cognitively happening the way it should be. And, for the most part, it was, though the frustration in John's eyes was hard to miss when he couldn't answer her questions.

And Alex was there. 

Each day after school, he just breezed by the nurses desk with ease— slipping a ‘hello’ or ‘good afternoon’ to every nurse he passed. Word had spread that, obviously, this is not Johns uncle— but the improvements John made when Alex was around was enough reason for the team of nurses to let him keep coming back. Alex watched Melissa The Physical Therapist make John put circle blocks into round holes, triangle blocks into triangular holes, and test his reflexes. It of course was hilarious to Alex, watching John become increasingly annoyed every-time Melissa would walk in. He could practically hear the screaming curses that stayed trapped in John's mind.

But still, it’s like the words were lost to John. Like a whirlpool just continued around his head and he just couldn’t hold the words down. 

Today when Alex got off school and took the bus to the hospital, three weeks running now, he sits behind the bus driver and they talk about whatever is on the bus driver's mind, as per usual. Today it happened to be baseball— 

“I’m tellin’ you kid, without Aaron Judge the Yankees would be nothin’! They couldn’t dream of makin’ it in the playoffs without him!” The older man chortled, shrugging his shoulders at the idea. 

“No way! Giancarlo is just as good, and not a tool! Judge is just in it for the fame, but Giancarlo respects the sport!” 

They both laugh at the idea that any Yankee player is in it for the game and not just the fame of being a Yankee. The bus was relatively empty for a Tuesday afternoon, just Alex, his book bag half the size of him and his school blazer thrown over the bag. 

“So kid... what’s the story?” 

Alex’s head snaps up to meet the bus drivers gaze in the rearview mirror. 

“What do you mean?” 

“What do I mean? I mean who am I driving you to the hospital to see everyday.” 

Alex just shakes his head and sighs, recounting the last month's events. 

“About a month ago I was in a car accident, and one of my best friends was really seriously hurt, so I come see him. He has a shitty home life so no one else goes to see him except me and his dads girlfriend who— quite literally— is only 4 years older than us.” 

The bus driver just looks at him with a soft pity in his eyes, it’s not very noticeable, but Alex knows pity. His whole life had been full of pitying glances.

“He’s just a friend?” 

Alex’s face instantly is blazing, cheeks tinting pink, being betrayed by his own body— wow, what the fuck.

“Yeah just a—“ Alex was swiftly cut off 

“You already sold yourself out kid,” The bus driver said with a chuckle. “So, you like this boy? And you come every day to sit at his bedside? I will say. I didn’t peg you as the

romantic type.” 

Alex huffed and shot a glance to the bus driver, who was now keeping his eyes on the road as they approached the hospital. 

“He was in a coma, and when he was in the coma I begged him to wake up and if he did wake up I would tell him how I feel about him, but... uh—“ 

“You chickened out.” 

“No! It’s just never the right time.” 

The bus hissed to a stop in front of the hospital, the doors opening and letting an arctic blast of the October air into the bus, as Alex stepped off he turned back to the bus driver 

“It’s never gonna be the right time, you have to make it the right time.” 

Alex just sighed and scratched his head under his beanie. He didn’t ask to be read for filth by the bus driver today. 

The walk to Johns room was always so long, up 10 floors and then four cross hallways. Alex decided that today was the day, today he would profess his love to John and shout it from the rooftops— who’s gonna stop him? He’s gonna swing the door open and just say it. The whole idea of it made Alex begin to jog, and he swung the door open 

“John, I need t—“ 

The sudden sets of eyes on Alex was a shock. Everyone was here today. 

Including but not limited to 

Henry 

Fucking 

Laurens. 

The man just looked mischievous. Skeevy. Devilish. His eyes locked with Alex’s and hate burned in his eyes. Alex instantly was in fight mode, the room felt like the

moments before two dogs fight, tense air hung around them. 

“Alex! You’re here!” Martha instantly hugged him, half because she did really miss him— no one could match her wit, but Alex was a close second— and half because she was hoping it would break up the negative energy. Henry Jr. was next to hug Alex, and then the twins, little Mary-Elenor and James! A good ol' fashioned Laurens hug pile...

minus one.

“Hello Alex, how are you today?” Nadia asked after the kids piled off him. Alex half smiled and they idly chatted with each other for a few minutes— talking about the weather and whatever other small talk adults are forced to make with each other. Every so often Alex would glance at Henry, just keeping tabs on him, tracking where he was at all times. 

Finally, Alex approached John, who was sitting up in bed today, finally feeling like he had energy to spare. He was sitting criss-cross in the bed, picking at the tape over the IV stuck in his hand 

“Hey hey, don’t pick that.” Alex says playfully swatting his hand away. Out of the corner of his eye Alex can see Henry shift in his seat across the room and focus in on John and him interacting. Alex just chose to ignore it— but noted that he should keep his hands to himself, pensively clasping his hands together in front of him. 

“How are you feeling today? Gimmie one finger for good or two foorrrrrr you’re ready to run away and never look back at this boring white-ass room.” 

John looked up at Alex, confusion crossing his face. Alex made up this whole finger system because it’s not his place to force John to try and find the words to talk. 

“I—...” “t- th...a-ah, wh-white... um...” John struggled and took an aggravated breath in, and stared at Alex. Alex just stood there, encouraging him. He wished he could hold his hand, or rub his back and let him know it’s okay, that he’d wait a lifetime to hear his sweet voice again. Properly. But he couldn't 

_Transcortical Motor Aphasia. That's what the doctor called it. The damage to his brain was primarily located in his language centers, affecting his speech and communication, but not directly affecting Broca's area. Usually, repetition ability with this form of aphasia were fairly good, but John struggled with repeating more than one or two words. And he typically couldn't even pull one or two from a sentence. Not that Alex knew that if he just said "good or bad" that John might just be able to answer him. And it wasn't his fault. John hated himself for not being able to tell him that. Or to tell him anything really._

“I.. I— th, th,—g, ughh...” John just sighed and rubbed his eyes, frustrated and drained from the whole ordeal, and embarrassed when he realized the whole room now was turned to him listening to him struggle. _God what the fuck John! Two words. Two words!! That's all you need._

He just sighed defeatedly and holds up two fingers to Alex. He just wants his life back, he just wants his friends back, he just wants his _words_ back.

Henry stands up and clears his throat, turning to Nadia.

“Baby, will you take the kids and Alex here down to the cafeteria... John and I have to talk..” 

Nadia just gets up silently, the children following her, all too knowing of what’s going on. 

Alex, though, continues to stand there reading the chart on the wall about pain level, understanding that Henry wanted him to go, but he just continued to passively ignore him. “Wow, they categorize a level five as minor burns up to 2nd degree that’s so random— John did you check this poster out?” 

Henry quickly changed from his fake cheery overlay to an aura of anger and discontent hanging around the room. 

“Son— I told Nadia to take you to the cafeteria.” 

“And I’m not going. She's not in charge of me.” 

John watched silently, shaking as he pulled a thread from his hospital sock. John always admired Alex for being able to stand up to Henry, John never could. But he was scared. He secretly hoped that Alex would stay, he looked at Alex and begged him to stay— hoping there was some kind of fucking... telepathy that he understood. 

And Alex did. 

Because Alex knew if they were in this room alone— Henry would do something. Especially now, since John was so vulnerable and can’t communicate. So Alex just leaned on the wall flipping through the TV channels with the remote that was connected to Johns bed. 

Instantly Henry was in his face, inches from being nose to nose with Alex. His breath smelled faintly of alcohol, just like everything Henry owned. And Alex was scared— but the number one rule of fighting is that you never let your opponent know you’re scared. That's how they get in your head. That’s how they win. 

“Either you fucking leave now by choice and maybe I’ll let you back in here, or I fucking have you banned from this hospital. Or you can stay here and I’ll beat the fucking brakes off of you.”

_‘too’_

It felt implied. It hung heavy in the air. Alex’s breath hitched in his chest, and Henry felt it— laughing, he shoved him towards the door, Alex shot back one last look at John, whose eyes were begging him to stay, but John just shoo’ed him away with his hands. Alex felt the lump in his throat and he left with Nadia and the kids. He prayed that Henry had the sense not to lay a hand on John in the hospital room.

Henry turned to John now— 

“So... I’ve been on a business trip and this is what I come back to. Not only are you in the hospital faking shit for attention, but you’re also playing happy Suzy home maker with your homo friends, huh? You’d make a nice housewife John, you’ve always been a motherly little BITCH.” 

The bite of the word bitch made John jump, shying away into himself, slightly turning in bed away from Henry and wished he could hide inside the shell of his own skin. Henry quickly yanked John back by his shoulder causing him to yelp, the skin there still tender from being sliced like most of his body. Henry quickly grabbed a handful of Johns hair, pulling his head back to force eye contact.

“Ow!” John squeaked as he rubbed his shoulder. It didn't take much work to force that word. It more... slipped out.

“Ah, so he can speak! Well let’s hear it Jack, what do you want this time? Haven’t these people spent enough time and money on you? You’re a fucking waste of space. Someone could be dead because you had to occupy this bed so we’d all pity you. Well I am not pitying you John. And when you stop playing this fucking game and get home, I’ll have to straighten you out.” John knew those threats were empty. Or at least he hoped. Henry had always made comments like that, but as long as John kept an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality, Henry never seemed to make good on those threats. But something about this was different. His tone. His face. The fact that was mostly sober.

As if on cue as John begged God for someone to make it stop, a nurse knocked on the door, popping in— by the time she reached the room John was looking down at his hands and Henry was seated in the chair next to the bed reading the Wall-street Journal. Nadia brought everyone back. Alex discreetly sat next to him and whispered reassurances to him., love confessions could wait. This was more important.

They sat there all together, at John's bedside.

A perfect, happy ~~broken~~ little family. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COMMENTS!! PLEASE!! KANDI WILL DIE WITHOUT THEM
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> Kam (KookiKandi) - [ Vic (broadway_trashdump) - ](thekookiestkandi.tumblr.com)[ @yosoytriste ](yosoytriste.tumblr.com)


	5. The Hermit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Concern, frustration, tension, forgiveness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Songs that aided in the writing of this chapter bc I don't use Spotify and thus will not create a playlist: "The Scientist" by Coldplay, "Whataya Want from me" by Adam Lambert, "Anyone" by Demi Levato ~ Kandi]

**October 10 - Mount Sinai Hospital - Day... undetermined of John's Dive off the Deep End**

After that encounter with Henry, John started acting different. Where he was once complacent and passive he forced himself and worked. Especially with his physical and speech therapy sessions.

They would call Alex in occasionally, because John would push himself so hard that eventually his body and mind would shut down.

It hurt. Watching it hurt. Alex would try to reason with him, told him that his desire to get better was good, but he had to be careful of his limits.

Either John didn't understand, or more likely, he didn't care.

Alex wasn't stupid. He knew Henry had something to do with this, but he knew better than to confront him. He tried explaining to the nurses. Tried to explain that Henry was making him do this. Tried to explain that this was not the John that Alex knew.

John wasn't a risk taker. He didn't push limits. He hid in his mind and focused but never _pushed_ like this. Like he was _punishing_ himself.

This was one such day. Alex hadn't planned on stopping at the hospital that afternoon. He had a project to work on, and his grades had already been dropping steadily since the accident.

But, despite what he had planned, his phone rang.

"Hello?" Alex chirped. John used to tease him about his "phone voice".

"Mr. Hamilton?"

"Uh, speaking?"

"This is Mellissa, John's DPT."

Alex felt sick all the sudden, "U-Uh, yes I remember. Is everything alright, is he okay?"

A beat of silence, "He... he was dishonest with me. Again. He's acting... strange. Will you come in? He listens to you."

_Yeah right..._

"...Yeah, I'm... I'm on my way."

When he arrived, John was a puddle on the floor. Melissa, it appeared, had been trying to comfort him. But John didn't look up at Alex when he entered the room.

"Jacky?" Alex prompted gently, "Hey, can you look at me?"

John's head turned to him, tears in his eyes and hot anger on his face, as if he were trying to scream _'I am not a child'_ .

Alex sighed, stooped to him on the floor, "What are you doing?"

"Better." John said, firmly. Hostilely. One of the few words in his slowly expanding repertoire.

"John, _this_ is not how you get better. You're going to hurt yourself!"

"N-not... Not going to hurt myself." John said, pulling what words he could from what Alex said to him. He'd definitely made leaps and bounds since waking up, if only he

would use his words to his advantage.

Alex was a bit stunned, hearing the longer string of words, but then reminded himself that they weren't John's words. They were his. Alex closed his eyes, took a steadying breath.

"John-"

"No."

"John, pl-"

_"NO!"_

Alex took him by the shoulders, "Stop this. I can't and won't help you if you keep pushing me away like this."

The look John gave him was menacing.

"No."

Alex felt hurt. Used even. Was he not the _one_ person who would help John? Who was there for him? And even with only a handful of words in his back pocket, John managed to make him feel like he never even mattered. Feeling tears prick his eyes, Alex pulled his hoodie over his hair and stood up.

"Well..." Alex mumbled, his voice thick with tears, "I guess I won't hold you back then."

John's face immediately shifted, his breath picking up speed as he dug around his head for an apology. He shook his head violently, reaching for Alex as he walked away. _No, no no don't go I'm sorry, please please don't go. I love just please don't go,_ ** _I'm sorry_**.

But the words never came.

* * *

Alex didn't go back after that for a few days. He confided into Lafayette, which only made him feel worse.

_"Do you have any idea what he's going through? You can't just be pissed off because he's having a rough time. He can barely even speak anyway, how do you know you maybe just misinterpreted?"_

_"You weren't there! You didn't see the way he looked at me! The... The rage that was in his eyes, the-the hurt, the fear. It was all directed at me, I could feel it!"_

_"Didn't you say Henry showed up a few days ago? Maybe that has something to do with the way he's acting. Stop taking this out on him."_

"He's 17 years old, he can get his emotions in control. And I know for a fact that Henry had something to do with it, but that's not my fault!"

_"Well, then stop going over there so much if it hurts your feelings so badly. But I think you're being unjust."_

_"Whatever."_

He told Angelica what happened, and she was genuinely happy to hear that he was up and moving until she heard what John had done.

_"I think maybe Henry got into his head like you said. We all know that guy's bad news," she said, sipping her orange juice at the lunch table, "I think you both should cool off a few days and then try and talk when he's not under a lot of physical, emotional, and mental stress. Don't you guys facetime? Just call him and ask if he wants to watch a movie or something this weekend on a day he doesn't have therapy."_

_"That's a great idea. You really are a genius. Thank you."_

_"Anytime, hun. Tell him hello for me? I want to visit him soon."_

_"I will, and I'm sure I can convince a nurse to let me sneak you back."_

It took Alex a whole 3 days to psych himself up enough to call John. He didn't really know where things stood, and with John being unable to really vocalize his feeling, things were definitely complicated.

He finally decided just to _go for it_ and press John's name on his phone.

It rang.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

Four.

Then, a surprised looking John covered the screen.

Alex smiled warily, "Hey bud. Just checking up on you. I know things are rough right now and-"

John put his hand up as he stumbled through and apology, "I-Ihm... I'm s-sor.. sorryy?" The words were broken, a little slurred and mushy, but they definitely still held their

meaning.

Alex felt tears brim his eyes again, "Wow... um... I-I... I accept your apology. _Wow,_ John, that's a big milestone! I'm proud of you!"

John beamed, but Alex didn't miss the red tint on John's cheeks and ears.

Then he saw it.

"Hey, they took the bandages off your big gash."

John pointed to the left side of his head, which was now clearly visible with its jagged stitches. His face held a question: _This one?_

"Yeah, that one," Alex responded, though the question was never truly asked, "When did they do that? Yesterday?"

John motioned with his finger as if to say ' _The day before'._

Alex nodded in understanding, guilt washing over him. Was anyone there when that happened? He should have been there...

"I should have been there." Alex said, John reading his guilt immediately.

John shook his head, _please_ ** _please_** _don't feel bad. It's my fault you left. I know you wouldn't have missed it if you had known. Don't be guilty._

But Alex couldn't hear him. Instead he chewed on his lip, "Look I know we had a little spat the other day, and... you know, things are still weird, I guess, but I feel bad. I could bring my Laptop on Saturday? We could watch something together?"

John smiled wide and nodded, "Yeah!" he said, melting Alex's heart.

"Cool, cool," Alex said, fidgeting with his hair, "I'll bring some snacks, too."

John shot him a meaningful look, _you know how the staff here are about outside food._

Alex just smirked back. If he was honest with himself, Alex had always prided himself on being chatty, extremely verbal. Always knew the right words, words no one else knew, could bash people with his tongue, but having to teach himself to communicate non-verbally was a challenge. A big one. One he was willing to overcome because damn it, John was worth it and _someone_ needed to show him that.

"See you this weekend." Alex said softly.

"This weekend," John parroted.

"Kay."

"Bye!" John said, hanging up with a smile.

* * *

Saturday couldn't come fast enough. Alex practically sped through the day at double speed, jittery with excitement on the bus. The driver glanced at him through the rearview with a knowing smirk, but kept his mouth shut.

Alex sped up to John's room, probably knocking a few things over in his wake. Why he was so excited? Not even he knew. What he _did_ know was that he was going to see John for the first time in over a week and he has really _really_ missed him.

When Alex arrived, he popped his head in and muttered a sassy "Knock knock!" only to see John looking quite pale and very distraught.

Alex walked in and dropped his bag on the floor. He took John by the shoulders, "Everything okay? You don't look good, do you need me to call a nurse?"

John just shook his head and tossed his phone on the bed. It was still on, with texts from **Father** still open. Alex got the message. He took said phone and powered it off, setting it on a nearby table and scooting into the bed with John.

"Don't worry about him. He's not here. He's not coming. Right?"

"R-Right," John confirmed, making room for Alexander.

"So there's nothing to be afraid of. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Awesome, now I have my computer logged into the Schuylers' Netflix account-" This earned Alex a disapproving glace, "Hey!! With Angelica's and Mr. Schuyler's express consent."

John just laughed and shook his head, rolling his eyes.

"Glad to see you smiling," Alex said, eyes tracing John's soft features. Despite being tainted by injury and despair, somehow, he was still beautiful.

John turned red, covered his face as best he could. The majority of his outside injuries had healed for the most part, but some were still tender, still fragile.

"Hey, no fair, you're not allowed to hide from me!" Alex teased pushing John's hands away before reaching into his backpack for his laptop.

"Any preferences?" He asked, opening up Netflix.

John shook his head, looking at Alex intently, "No."

They eventually settled on _The Half of it_.

John wormed his way under Alex's arm. Everything in his head screamed that they would get caught, that this was _wrong_ , that he _shouldn't_ , but it felt so _right._ Alex wrapped his arms around him, something unspoken and sacred passing between them.

And for one moment, all was right with the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awwwe fluff!! We love a calm before the storm!! 
> 
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> Kam (KookiKandi) - [ Vic (broadway_trashdump) - ](thekookiestkandi.tumblr.com)[ @yosoytriste ](yosoytriste.tumblr.com)


	6. Three of Swords

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naps, a party, and a flashback.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Gay slurs on top of all the other things. But it's pretty close to the end, I'll mark it (***) so you can skip it

**Oct 21 - Mount Sinai Hospital - Day 1 of a New Chapter - Day 4,867 of Henry Laurens' Tyranny**

As the movie ended Alex glanced down and found John asleep, lips parted and a few snores escaping. Alex couldn’t help but to smile, adjusting slightly so he was now looking at John. 

He studied his face, his finger coming up to lightly trace small patterns on his cheek. He smiles, finding a spot where a few darker freckles form a heart on his cheek. His eyes drift off to the side, onto the now healing gash on his head. It’s gone from being around 5 inches and 30 stitches, to now just about an inch with fresh stitches— the deepest spot that was cut in the accident. Alex slowly moved one of Johns curls to look at the scar slowly healing into Johns skin now. 

“Oh you beautiful boy... what the fuck am I gonna do about you?...” Alex says to himself quietly. 

Alex let’s a few more minutes pass, then he slowly slips out of bed, sure not to wake him. He peeps at his watch, realizing it’s already 7 PM and the sun has disappeared from the sky— it’s going to be freezing and if he hurries now he’ll make it to the bus for Tony’s last pick up back to the Washington’s neighborhood. 

He silently packed his backpack, throwing glances back to John to make sure he was still asleep— which he was. Alex wished he could kiss his forehead, it just felt right for the moment. 

Ah, maybe someday. 

The October air is getting colder by the day, Alex pulled on a Jacket and his hoodie, his mind escaping into his thoughts while he begins to consider what to get John for his birthday which was quickly approaching. 

As Alex finally made his way out of the room he turned back one last time to look at John, a million things he wanted to say swarmed his brain. 

_I love you_

_I need you_

_I just want to see you happy._

Alex just sighed and walked out. 

He nodded and waved to the nurses, he smiled to Melissa as he passed her office on the floor— 

“Oh! Alexander!” Melissa called to him, quickly catching up with him 

“Hey Melissa, Whats up? Need more help using data configuration?” He says, smiling to her. Melissa just gives a dry laugh, rolling her eyes. 

“No I figured it out—no thanks to you!” She tells smacking his arm softly. 

“—But I do need your help with something else.”

“Shoot.” 

“So I’ve been talking with John's medical team and we decided that he’s ready for release—“ 

Alex’s heart instantly swelled. Normalcy. _Home_. 

“And we wanted you to bring your friends so we can surprise him. John has been quite the charmer— his head nurse Jackie is going to bring cupcakes, someone is buying him one of those soccer mom packs of Doritos, his favorite right?” 

Alex nods, the burning feeling of tears rushing to his face. 

“Melissa that... that’s crazy kind of you, oh man I kinda want to cry—“ Alex says rubbing his nose, trying to dissipate any tears. 

They continue to make a few plans, they have a short window of time to get everyone in his room to surprise him, Melissa will take him to the therapy room under the guise of ‘tEsTinG HiS MObiLiTy’— something she does not have to do. 

—————

Climbing onto the bus and taking his usual seat behind the driver, Tony, he couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear. 

“Well someone had a good day today.” 

Alex’s eyes snap up to the rear view mirror, to see Tony smirking at him. 

“He’s got a release date.” 

“And you _STILL_ haven’t told him how you feel...”

Alex throws himself across the three connected seats and groans. the bus is empty so he doesn’t mind being dramatic for the sake of getting his point across 

“I don’t know hoooooooow! It's kinda complicated. He’s— he... he has a speech problem from the accident. So— you know if I express how I feel, I? I won’t get it back. He can mimic things after I say them but what’s the point in that? Then it’s not authentic. It's not _his_ words, they're mine, and I want him to be able to... either reciprocate or.. or turn me down without feeling... alienated.”

Tony rolls his eyes at the scene unraveling in his bus— kids, you know? 

* * *

The next day at school, Alex could barely wait to get to lunch. He of course, was running late though. He ran through the cafeteria to reach the friends' table, and quickly slid into the bench, this breathing heavy from running.

“You good bruh?” Hercules asks eyeing the smaller boy.

“Alexander what’s gotten into you?” Eliza asks, picking at the peach in her hand and a smile playing her lips.

“I-okay! John!! John is getting out of the hospital!! He has a discharge date!” 

Cheers practically erupt at the table— 

“Wait, wait there’s more! His physical therapist wants to throw him a surprise party, today. He’s leaving today so— were gonna surprise him and tell him!” Alex rushes it all out. 

“Well what can we bring?” Peggy asks and suddenly planning is under way. 

Alex was just pretty excited but... the idea now of their friends invading this quiet space, this place where the two of them were together and so close, and John was all his for weeks. It was selfish to think, but Alex felt the party was a mistake now. 

“Who’s gonna drive?” Angelica asked, her voice morose, which caught everyone off guard. She still didn’t feel comfortable driving even though she did, in fact, have a new car. 

Alex, though, had an answer for that, too. He smirked, “I know someone who can give us a ride...” 

-

“The bus?!” Eliza says, clutching the straps of her backpack and frowning deeply.

“Yes the bus! You can't be a prep-school princess your whole life, Liza. Live a little! It's New York for Christ's sake,” Peggy says, eager to climb on the bus, sitting behind a few random riders. 

“Listen, this bus driver is literally a god-send okay? Tony has driven me to and from the hospital every day, gives great advice, and has _mediocre_ baseball opinions.” Alex says, pulling out his MetroCard and smiled at Tony fondly.

“Oh so we have The whole crew today, huh? What? Was the mystery machine in the shop?” Tony says eyeing the group of teens getting on his bus. 

Alex laughs and sits in his usual seat, his friends filling space around them 

“We’re busting John out today.” Laf says, adjusting his coat as he sits. He didn't want any _bus germs_ on his nice coat.

“Ah, maybe Alex will finally grow a pair and tell him how he feels.” Tony says pulling the bus away from the curb with a hiss.

Instantly Alex’s face heats up, and he begins playing with the zipper on his jacket, up down up down up down up— 

Suddenly the group bursts out in laughter.

“Alex will WHAT?” Herc says, wiping a tear from his eye jokingly.

Angelica laughed, like a genuine belly laugh, something Eliza and Peggy haven’t heard since the accident. They both silently thanked whatever higher power for that sound. 

“Mr. Tony, I know you haven’t known Alex long but... he would never spill the beans to John.” Laf says, suppressing a giggle. 

“So you all know!? Does _everyone_ know?!?” Alex cries, completely and totally humiliated.

“Of course we all know. We have a pool going for when one of you will tell the other.” Eliza is the one to speak up this time. 

“I _definitely_ want in on that bet.” Tony says, laughing.

-

John really didn’t understand _why_ he had to walk with Melissa today. She usually brings whatever materials for therapy, but today they had to go to her office. 

John wasn’t going to complain though, any moment not stuck in bed, or in the chair in his room, or even his room in general is a moment he’s thankful for. 

“Oh no, I forgot my key.” Melissa says, fake smacking her own forehead.

_Something is going on... I know it..._

“Forgot yooo...your key?” John repeats, placing his hands on his hips, the intonation in his voice suggesting sass. 

_How would you forget your entire set of keys in a patients room?_

_If that’s true, that’s very irresponsible. But something is definitely telling me that’s not true._

“Yes I forgot my key in your room. Whoopsie!” Melissa says shrugging and turning back towards the elevator. 

_Don't quit your day job Melissa, you're a shit actress._

John just sighs and follows her back to the elevator. 

-

“My leg is cramping up.” Peggy whispers to Eliza, who’s crouched behind the recliner chair with her, waiting for John to come back. 

“Shh! Melissa said they’re on their way back!” Alex stage whispers from behind a cabinet. 

All of the friends were scattered around the room hiding, as were Johns two favorite nurses. Above the bed there was a banner that simply said “get out!” And a heart at the bottom. 

-

John pushes the door to his room open.

_Who turned out the lights?_

As he flipped the switch suddenly everyone jumped out yelling “surprise!” 

John could feel his eyes brimming with tears as he looked around the room, studying each of his friends' faces. It felt like it had been years since he’s seen them. Before he could even react Peggy slammed him into a hug, squeezing him until he was short of breath. Then Laf, then Herc and soon enough it was an all out group hug. John could feel the tears slipping down his cheeks. His _friends._ This was his _family._

As the group hug dissipated John, turned to Alex. 

“y-yuh... y-y.... you? ” John asked pointing to Alex then the group. 

“Not just me, this was actually Melissa's idea.” 

John turned to the woman, who returned a sweet smile. A teary smile. Then she pointed her gaze at Alexander, mouthing 'he really loves you'.

John just shook his head and smiled. "W... wh..." No words were needed. Alex just wrapped an arm around his waist and squeezed.

"Jack, you're going home."

-

The group sat and laughed, and they were patient. They didn’t rush John, they waited and helped and it made Alex’s heart swell. 

“John, what cupcake do you want? Cookies and creme or just vanilla?” Angelica asked as she handed out the cupcakes to the rest of the group. John looked to Alex hoping he would answer for him, but Alex shook his head ‘no’. 

John just sighed and turned back to Angelica.

_Cookies and creme. Come on! It’s just cookies and creme. You can say that! You can just use your two brain cells and say it! She’s gonna think you’re stupid now! Come on say it say it say it._

"Mm... t-th—“ John took a deep breath trying not to become aggravated 

_Just. Fucking. Say. It._

“C—cookies?” John says, looking nervously at Angelica, scared for her judgement to come. 

Angelica smiles “good choice! We only had to get vanilla because SOMEONE!—“ she throws shade to Peggy “doesn’t like any other flavor”. 

Peggy just shrugs as she shoves the cupcake in her mouth. 

“The only one here complaining is you Angelica and it’s not even YOUR party. We don’t mind vanilla either, Right John?” Laf says 

John smiles and repeats “right.” 

And everything felt right. The bickering, the cupcakes. Despite everything for the first time in a while everything felt normal.

-

After the cupcakes were eaten, and the conversations were spent, the nurses decided it was time to finally call Henry to come get John. It was later in the evening so the friends slowly began to trickle out as their parents picked them up. Eventually it was just John and Alexander— John sitting cross legged on his bed, and Alex sitting in the chair, his eyes beginning to droop. 

John smiles and scoots over in his bed, slapping the spot next to him. Alex smiles and scoots into bed with him. This time, John wraps his arms around Alex and thinks...

_Oh you beautiful boy... what am I going to do about you?_

——————— 

Henry pulled up around 9:30, hours after he was supposed to be at the hospital. Sure he'd been drinking, sure he's a little out of it, but, if anything, John deserved it. Wasting time and resources over a stupid scrape. He could almost laugh. If John had wanted attention, that was the last thing he was going to get.

Henry stumbled into the room to find John wrapped around Alex, half-asleep, and Alex fully asleep.

Anger.

Deep, ugly, and **HOT** burned through Henry.

Henry ripped John's arms off of Alexander before he had any clue what was happening.

The motion jolted Alex awake. It took a minute for things to settle, to make sense, but the next thing he knew was that all he could hear was Henry screaming and John crying.

"THE FUCK HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS, BOY?!"

You could smell the alcohol on his breath a mile away.

John sputtered, trying to piece a sentence together, but the stress of the whole situation was making him come up blank.

(***) Still in his sleepy daze, he caught a few snippets of the "conversation":

"Fucking faggot behavior and I won't tolerate it!!!"

"H-Ha... hmm.. d-da-dad..."

"Speak up! You're not some fairy, you fuckin'-"

Alex finally got his bearings, bolting off the bed and between the two, trying to create some kind of divide.

"Hey, hey, Henry, it's nothing like that-" _a lie,_ "It's not like that , I promise, okay? I was just-" _quick think of something_ "I was emotional, so he gave me a hug and we just kinda stayed like that and I fell asleep. It was an accident, it won't happen again."

Henry's stare was cold.

John was panting, the force of speaking exhausting. He looked as if he would pass out from the effort.

Alex took a breath, "Look Henry, I get it. You don't like me. Frankly, I don't like you either, but having me around has helped John so much, ask any of his doctors or any of these nurses. Your son was in a god _damn_ ** _coma_** , and you didn't even show up. Do you know who was there? Me! I was. Me and your little whore, which, by the way- really robbed the cradle with that one, didn't you Henry? I mean come _on,_ she could be your _daughter._ But her and I were the only ones here for _weeks_ while you sat around and did what? Tell me Henry, what was so important that you had to leave your son dying in the hospital after being hit by a pickup truck going _sixty-five miles an hour._

"And another thing! All of us can smell the alcohol on your breath. Which means you drove here _drunk_. Want to know something else? The guy who hit Angelica's car? Fucking _wasted out of his mind._ ** _You could have been the one to kill someone else_** _._ So... so what if your kid was hugging me while I was asleep. It's been a rough couple of months, and I hardly think who he spend his time with or who he has feelings for is relevant when he could. Have. _Died._ So excuse me for providing him a bit of comfort, or _god forbid_ **I** needed the comfort after, you know, _witnessing the whole thing._

"So, Henry. So what if he's a 'fag'? He's your kid. It shouldn't _matter!_ Would you rather him be a fag, or be six feet under the ground. Because I'm genuinely not sure, and a little concerned for his safety if you think him being around one of his friends is a threat to you. So much of a threat you felt the need to put your hands on him. Am I mistaken, Henry?"

Henry stood there, anger festering in folds in his gut, burning up to his eyes, "Look, _queer,_ I don't have the patience for you. If you value your life or John's I recommend you leave now. GO!"

"Is that a threat?" Alex hissed, before catching a glimpse of John: All the color had drained from his face, and he was positively shaking. Silent tears ran narrow paths down his soft cheeks and Alex instantly regretted everything. All of it, every bit that he'd said, because now John would have to take the fault.

"And one more thing," Henry hissed, his voice low and steady. _Unsettling,_ "If you ever call Nadia such a name after what she's done for you again, I will personally break every bone in your body."

Alex gulped, taking one last look at John, who whispered, "Go."

So he left. (***)

__________

Henry, surprisingly, didn't say much after that. His face looked _almost_ remorseful. He guided John out to the car, where, another surprise, Nadia was waiting. She gave up the passenger's seat, and leaned it back so John would be comfortable. Henry gestured to the open door.

But he couldn't. John froze, his hand on the edge of the door to his father's Benz. His heart thundered and all he could hear was

_"ANGELICA LOOK OUT"_

_"ANGELICA LOOK OUT"_

_"ANGELICA LOOK OUT"_

John let out out a sound that was somewhere between a gasp and a whine-- high and keening and _afraid._

_Bright lights_

_a noise_

_ringing_

_darkness_

_pain_

_again_

_Bright lights_

_a noise_

_ringing_

_darkness_

_pain_

_again_

_Bright lights_

_a noise_

_ringing_

_darkness_

_pain_

_again_

_again_

_again_

_agai-_

"John!" Henry's voice. Angry, "What the fuck, boy. Let's _go."_

Nadia placed a steadying hand on Henry's arm, "Henry, the last time he rode in that spot thing didn't turn out super well. John, mijo, do you want to sit in the back? Would you rather I drove than your father?"

"Bullshit!" Henry seethed, "Get in the car, you're not some damn war vet, you're _fine_. Let's go." He said, shoving John into the seat (which didn't take much force or effort).

Nadia eyed the situation carefully, but remained silent. Watched John hyperventilate, watched Henry reprimand him, call him names. She shook her head, this was none of her business. John started crying, so she reached up to take his hand, and Henry shot her a menacing look.

"Henry, the poor boy's traumatized."

"It's a car. And he's _fine._ "

Nadia sighed, relenting and pulled her hand back, "Fine, whatever, let's just go."

So they went.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have an escape!!!
> 
> Please leave a comment! Or say hello on tumblr!
> 
> Kam (KookiKandi) - [ Vic (broadway_trashdump) - ](thekookiestkandi.tumblr.com)[ @yosoytriste ](yosoytriste.tumblr.com)
> 
> This was both a Kandi Chapter and a Vic chapter, it it was a toughie to write (at least I think). It's LOOONG too! Hope you enjoyed! -- Kandi


	7. The Chariot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dinner, A Meltdown, Three little words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicidal ideation, it's brief and somewhat non-graphic, but we just want to keep y'all safe =)

**Oct 24 - Washington Residence - Day One of a Mutual Understanding**

Laf would not _stop pacing._ He was muttering and flipping between languages, wearing a hole in the carpet of the parlor. Alex watched him, sitting in a chair parallel to his brother, his anxiety just as evident but more condensed. His leg bounced, chewing at the already raw nail bed of his thumb.

John would be here any minute.

Why was he so damn nervous??

They'd put everything together perfectly. Martha was cooking his favorite - Chicken pot pie (something Laf had learned years back), Laf had selected some of John's favorite shows and movies to put on queue to watch in the media room, Alex had set out board games, books, movie snacks (because lord knows those boys could eat their own body weight in junk even after a hearty dinner) blankets, everything.

They'd done everything they could. Everything to the best of their ability for a sense of normalcy, like this wasn’t the first time John visited since he almost _died._ The first time since everything (and nothing) changed that night. 

But now Alex wanted to change it. Everything was wrong. He's going to hate it. 

_This is so dumb, Alex. Why would someone want all of this?_

Before he had the chance to call off dinner all together, to call off the sleepover, all of it, there was knock on the door. It was unmistakably John's: timid and unsure but somehow secure. Something about John always radiated that sort of energy.

Laf and Alex's eyes met, a moment of panic settling in both their guts.

"Is someone going to get that?" Martha called from the kitchen, snapping both of them out of their strange, telepathic daze. Alex steps back and motions for Laf to open the door, since Alex "hogs" John, as Lafayette liked to tease.

Alex still stood close to the door. He took in the sight of his friend(?), not dressed in gross hospital clothing or even comfortable sweats but in actual clothes. _His_ clothes. John looked the most like himself than he had in a while. John was smiling, _really_ smiling, and Lafayette charged at him, smothering him into a hug.

John laughed (a blessed sound) and squeezed Laf back, making eye contact with Alex while doing so. He noticed that John was sweaty. Had he walked?

Laf released him and John went to hug Alexander next.

"Hi!" John chirped, sounding clear and intentional, causing Alex to smile.

Alex held him tight, resting his chin on John's shoulder and wrapping his arms around his torso.

"Hey. You look good!"

"Nnh, hh... Th.. um.." A pause, that exasperated nose-sigh, "Ugh..."

_Thank you. That's it. Just a fucking thank you. Come on John, get it together._

-

_“This is such a waste of fucking money, John. If I had it my way I wouldn’t be spending $300 a session on this stupid speech therapist. I don’t know why Nadia believes you, or even cares about you! I sure as fuck don’t do either of those.” Henry has been screaming for the last 20 minutes of this ride. John just has his eyes closed focused on his breathing, and not the fact that at any moment another truck could slam into the car and kill him— hopefully._

_They finally pulled up to his speech therapists office and John got out of his fathers car, slamming the door a little too hard as he headed for the building. He heard his father peel out of the parking lot, John imagining what terrible thing awaits him at home now._

_The office was warm and inviting on the inside. John was seated in a private office with a doctor who introduced herself as Dr. Day, or Dr. Jessica—‘whichever he prefers’. She was a young woman, with long brown hair and a polka dot dress. Quirky was the word that came to mind when John met her. They were seated at a table together in her office and she was conducting an exam on Johns language and boy, did he feel like an idiot._

_They’re just simple words John, just please I’m begging you, fucking read them!!_

_Dr. Jessica was holding up pictures, and John just had to give simple answers about the pictures._

_Dr. Jessica holds up a picture of a girl holding a ball._

_“John, who is this?”_

_Come on, come on, come on you stupid fucking brain it’s a GIRL! girlgirlgirlgirl_

_“Mmm— g— th th th—“ John just takes a feeble breath, wringing his hands together._

_“It’s okay John, take your time.” Dr. Jessica smiles warmly, John feels anger and shame burning his chest. She’s a nice woman, he shouldn’t be here making her life harder._

_“G—girl.”_

_Dr. Jessica smiles brightly, “Yes! A girl, and what is she holding?”_

_“Hh.. h-h...B-b...” John feels his face burning, feeling the tears brim his eyes. The exhaustion from trying to find words and the exhaustion of his father and the exhaustion from being constantly angry washing over him. He knows what it is. It's a BALL. But as soon as he tries to say it, its as if he's forgotten._

_Words are heavy. They take up space in his head, and with each one that goes unsaid he feels heavier and heavier. He tries again, "It's.. ahm... it... I can't..." he groans, his whole body feeling like the weight of the words are crushing him._

_He quickly just buries his head in his hands. He hardly notices that they're shaking. That his breathing has gone ragged and unsteady. Maybe everything would just be easier if he weren't here. Not just here, in Dr. Jessica’s office, but here._

_“Oh, dear. Okay, come on honey.” Dr. Jessica gets up, and grabs Johns shoulder softly, almost motherly, and guides him to a couch in her office. It’s soft and velvet, John rubs his eyes then runs his hand over the couch cushion. Soft. The texture was oddly mesmerizing; enough to calm him, if only a little._

_Dr. Jessica sits next to him, and pulls up a small rolling white board next to her._

_“Let’s chat. Why are you doing this? Who is your motivation to be here today?”_

_John didn’t even need to consider. He knew who he was here for. Alexander. To tell him the truth and tell him that he heard him that night, every night, that he loves him too. John pulled out his phone, unlocking it to show a picture of Alex and John while John was in the hospital, Alex was leaning over the bed and giving John bunny ears in the picture. John hands her the phone and points to him._

_Dr. Jessica smiles— “so let’s start with something you’re motivated by: His name.”_

-

"Jack? Earth to John? Helloooo?" Alex waved a hand in front of John's face.

John startled, his whole body jumping. He blinked and turned to Alex who looked concerned.

"You okay? Do you feel alright? Do we need to-"

John shakes his head, grabbing Alex's hands to steady him and gave him a reassuring smile, " 'M okay."

"Promise?"

"Pr...rr..omise."

"Okay," Alex said, trusting that John wasn't lying.

"Dinner!!" Martha called from the kitchen. Alex lead John and Laf into the dining room excitedly.

_This has to be perfect,_ Alex thought, _It has to be._

At each seat of the table was an adorable, personal-sized pot pie in individually decorated ceramic dishes, and little dollops of potato mash, with delicate pads of melty butter and delicious looking gravy. They were lovely. Martha was always one for dainty things, and it truly was gorgeous. John smiled, the amount of love and effort and kindness that was evident on the plate warmed his heart. He didn't deserve all this.

He felt his eyes start to water at the sentiment, but quickly blinked them back as to not destroy the happy atmosphere. He went to sit in his usual seat but George stopped him and guided him to the head of the table.

"For the guest of honor!"

Oh Great.

John wanted to say:

_No, no, I already get so much unwanted attention. I just want things to go back to normal, please, please, no._

John gulped, smiled, and took a seat, now a bit shaky, which Alex picked up.

He made a face at John, as if to ask, once again, if he was okay.

John just nodded and kept his eyes downcast.

Laf piped up now, "Maman, it looks amazing. Thank you."

John made sure to react in a way that would be perceived as vehement agreement.

Alex giggled, seeing John's enthusiasm warmed his heart. _He likes it._

"Alright, you know how Friday dinners go," George says, reaching for his wife's hand, "Everyone, say the best and worst part of your week, and something you love about the person next to you. I'll go first, alright? And we're _all_ -" George eyes Lafayette, "going to be quiet and respectful, and _everyone_ -" he points his gaze at Alexander now, "will participate."

John's heart sinks.

Alex fumes, "George he can't-"

"Alexander, I just asked you to be respectful."

"George." Alex stated, trying to point out the obvious.

Realization hangs heavy in the air, and George turns red.

"Oh my god John I'm so-"

John waves him off, eyes watering but not wanting the apology, " s' okay..."

"John, please, let me-"

John continues shaking his head, feeling suddenly helpless. Alex reached over and took his hand, "Jack-"

" 'S okay... uh.. go. 'S okay."

The meaning of his words were clear enough to understand, and everyone slowly begins to eat.

For a while, nothing was said. No one knew what to say.

John felt sick. He was the reason for this whole fiasco. Everyone went through all this trouble and he _ruined_ it. His stomach was twisting with guilt, ruining his appetite. But if he didn't eat Martha would be devastated. She might be able to understand if he could _tell_ her what was going on, but he _couldn't_ and he hated it.

His chest felt tight, his head heavy with everything he wanted to say. He felt dizzy now, too.

"Is there something wrong with the food, honey?" Martha asked, her voice gentle and kind.

**_FUCK_ **

"No! No no no," John said, shaking his head _fuck... dizzy..._

"Are you feeling okay?" Alex prodded, always worried there was something wrong that John wouldn't be able to vocalize.

"Mmh..." John whimpered hopelessly.

_Stop asking me questions. I can't answer you and you know that. NO I am NOT okay. Not that you could do anything._

" 'M.. Okay..."

George spoke now, "Are you sure? You're looking a bit green, son."

John whimpered again, balling his fists and rubbing his eyes. _Hiding._

"Please, Jack you're shaking." Alex begged.

"Please..." John muttered, his voice warbled with tears.

"Alex, take him upstairs to lie down." George directed.

"Okay."

-

_John laid down across Dr. Jessica’s velvet couch, groaning into the soft cushion, tangling his fingers in his hair. It's too hard, it’s too much. He feels his chest tightening, he just can’t take a deep breath. Dr. Jessica sits in her chair, legs crossed in front of the white board, the marker in her hand waiting for John to be ready. As a few minutes pass she gets up, grabbing an iPad from her desk. She taps Johns legs for him to move and he begrudgingly does so she can sit next to him. He sits up and looks at her, his tear streaked face breaks her heart. Maybe she was too empathetic, but watching her clients struggle hurt her. Especially John, because of his age. Little kids were much easier. She takes a steadying breath, unlocking the iPad._

_“This is called Proloquo. It’s what we call an augmentative and assistive communication device. I’m gonna give this to you and you click on the words you want to say okay? Because I need to understand you to help you, okay? Try it out.”_

_John took the iPad wiping his eyes with his hoodie sleeve. The case was squishy in his hands, knowing it’s a shock absorbing case for the kids who probably throw this iPad across her office. He looked at the iPad, studying the words on the screen. There were hundreds of words, picture supports, and a search bar to type for specific things for the iPad to say._

_John hit the word ‘gum ball’ and a robotic voice said the word aloud. It made him smile._

_“Okay, so tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”_

_“Stupid.” “Failure.” “faking it.” came from the iPad._

_Dr. Jessica looked stunned at the last one, “What do you mean ‘faking it'?” she asks leaning her head on her hand._

_“Dad, says, faking it, stupid stupid stupid.”_

_“John you’re not faking it. You have a very real medical condition. I don’t care what your father says. You’ve already improved so much since you came here. And you'll continue to, but you have to be able to take the successes and the losses.”_

_There’s a beat of silence as John is pressing away on the iPad._

_“Alexander.” “family dinner” “Friday”_

_“Okay, a family dinner with Alexander on Friday. That’s what we’re gonna work towards today?”_

_John nods, feeling understood for the first time._

_“What are we gonna say?”_

_“I love you.”_

_“A little soon for that don’t you think?” Dr. Jessica teases, elbowing John playfully._

_But John was dead serious._

-

Alex opened the door to his bedroom, his hand on the small of John's back.

Surprisingly, Alex hadn't said a word to him. He didn't seem angry, though. Even so, it didn't help John's anxiousness.

He led John into the room and helped him onto the bed, taking John's wobbling hands and squeezing them.

"John," Alex finally spoke, "I need you to be honest with me. Are you okay? Is there something physically wrong? Do we need to take you to the hospi-"

"No." John clipped, snatching his hands back and laying down.

"So is this a mental-emotional thing?"

John groaned, turning away from him, "Yes," Alex had always read him well.

"Hey! Talk to me!"

**"I CAN'T."** John shouted, curling into himself, "I can't I can't I can't... a-ah... I can't! I sorry! I can't."

Alex closed his eyes, took in a breath, and let it go, "John, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it like that. Just... When you won't communicate with me, I get scared. You almost died and I don't want there to be something wrong and you can't tell anyone. That _scares_ me John, I can't _lose_ you. Not again. So please, please, tell me what's wrong."

John turned to him, tears streaking his face, "I can't, I... I'm sorry."

The same phrases again.

"How can we fix this, what do I do? Are you.. are you seeing someone to help you?"

A nod.

"I thought so. Despite this being a rough night, you've been saying longer sentences, more obscure words. You're doing good."

John scoffed.

"Hey, don't. So, you're seeing a therapist. Has she told you any more ways to... to communicate better?"

_It's still new. I've only had three sessions. She had me download that app, but that's not ME speaking..._

John sat up and pulled out his phone (Henry refused to buy a big tablet, let alone already spending $250 on this app, but there may be some more persuading to do with the help of his stupid, stupid girlfriend), Alex moved to sit next to him.

"This..." John whispered, opening an app with a little owl on it.

"What is it?"

John huffed through his nose.

"Sorry," Alex said quickly.

John tapped a few random words, just to demonstrate.

_"I"_

_"You"_

_"Home"_

"So this can speak for you?"

John wrinkled his nose but nodded.

"So this is how you're going to communicate?"

_"Sometimes" "Not" "My" "Favorite"_

Alex nods slowly, "Okay. So... So what happened in there?"

John gulped, tapping away.

"Can't say what I want." "Makes me panic." "Words feel heavy." "Crushing." "Can't breathe."

Alex placed a hand on John's knee to keep him grounded. He'd already worked himself up again, which wouldn't help either of them.

"Hey, it's okay. I kind of understand now. I can't imagine how that must feel. Having everything you want to say all... plugged up in there. You're like... word constipated."

John laughed. Hard. Bent over, giggly, fitful laughter.

Alex laughed too, the sound ultimately contagious.

"Word constipated!" John wheezed, "HA!"

Alex smiled, "Am I wrong?"

John shook his head, "No."

"Okay. See, I understand!"

John grinned, "Yeah... understand..." It really hitting him for the first time.

"You feeling better?"

"Yeah." He tapped his phone again.

_"Hungry."_

"Me too," Alex said, "Let's go finish up dinner, 'kay?" He stood up.

"W-Wait." John said, hesitating.

Alex turned back to him, "Yeah?"

John took a steadying breath. _Focus, you've got this._

"Ale-Alexander. Alexander." John said, his voice slipping, slurring just a touch, but he said it one more time and it was _perfect._

Alex gasped, staring at him. This had to have been the first time John said it on his own.

"Alexander!"

Alex nodded, "Yeah?" he prompted.

"I..." a shaky gasp, "I l-l.. I lovvve... I love you."

_[ - - -"I love you too." - - - ]_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another longish one... w h o o p s. Sorry things have been inactive! We've been busy, thing are very hectic in the world right now, thank you for being patient!
> 
> Connect With Us On Tumblr!!
> 
> Kam (KookiKandi) - [ Vic (broadway_trashdump) - ](thekookiestkandi.tumblr.com)[ @yosoytriste ](yosoytriste.tumblr.com)


	8. Eight of Pentacles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Filler, explanations, and realizations.

**A Week Prior - Speech Therapy with Dr. Jessica Day**

“So John, tell me about him.” 

Dr. Jessica quickly shoved the iPad into johns hands, Proloquo already open and ready to go. 

John stared down at the screen, his hands beginning to grip the sides of the iPad, his knuckles turning white. 

“ _You won’t get mad?_ ” John quickly clicked on the app, after about a week of use he can easily find what he needs to say and express, Jessica was impressed with his speed now. 

“No John, why would I do that?” 

“ _It’s wrong. To like boys_.” John won’t look up from the iPad now, he just stares at the screen, hoping he doesn’t choke on his own tears building in his throat. 

“I—" _don’t know what to say’_ was what Dr. Jessica felt like she needed to say, but it never came.

“That’s not true. Everyone is allowed to give love and receive love in return.” She said definitely. Her heart aches at the life John must live, To think these things. 

“ _Dad said. Fairy. Need a girlfriend. Never wanted that, I’ve never seen a girl and think that.”_

_Just Alex._ The thought lingered in his head. The words Alex whispered to him in a silent prayer rings in his hears too. He loves John. And John loves him. 

“Well, do you think it’s wrong?” 

“ _Dad said—“_ Dr. Jessica quickly covered the screen of the iPad to stop him from selecting anything else to say. 

“No John. Not Henry— you. I want to hear you say it. Do you think it’s wrong?” 

John studies her face, there’s something unusual in her eyes, it’s not her usual flame and confidence. It’s something else. Maybe just the slightest hint of fear— not something anyone else would notice, but something John has learned to detect in others. 

“N—... not we- wr— not wrong.” He rushes out, wringing his hands together. Jessica smiles, a bit weakly but still a smile and pulls back, leaning back in her chair softly. John just rubbed his hands on the couch again, feeling the fibers of the velvet under his hand. 

“Not wrong...” He said quietly to himself again, but confidence was in his voice this time. Sturdy words coming forward. This was work, this was flash cards and cued speech and feeling vibrations in the words and Jessica was amazed with John's progress thus far. Single syllable words were easier, he could struggle through them then conquer them quickly. More complex sentences and more syllables meant more work, but Dr. Jessica had no qualms when working with John. In a world where every adult is working against him, she was the one in his corner. He’s a great kid, she thought to herself. 

Maybe that’s what lead to this— Dr. Jessica being open. She usually kept her private life just that—private, but John was different. He needed role models. 

So Jessica got up— dreading the movement and nervous to share things about herself. She moved to her desk, picking up a white frame off the edge of her desk. She smiled at the memory sealed in the glass, Hawaii in October. Two smiling faces looking back at her; probably the best day of her life. 

She placed it in Johns lap and sat next to him. He picked it up carefully, the glass cool in his hands. 

It was Dr. Jessica, in the arms of a beautiful woman. Her hair was long and black, she was tanned and just stunning. They looked happy, so genuinely happy it made John feel— hope? A beautiful sunset was their backdrop, Dr. Jessica was in a veil and a beautiful white dress with white flower petals sewn in to the lace. The woman next to her was in a bright red Sari, adorned with red accents. 

“That’s Cece, my wife. My parents didn’t like the idea much either, but they love Cece now.” Dr. Jessica takes a breath, as if she’s been holding it the whole time. “my dad was the worst. How this was immoral and 'what about grand kids'.. it took time. It takes time, and it takes work. I know this is nothing to compare to but— it takes time.” 

John could picture Alex and himself in a photo like this. Suits and a sunset— their closest friends surrounding them as they declare their love for each other. His chest felt light, for the first time in a long time he felt peace. 

“Anyway all this to say, I don’t care who you love John, but it’s never wrong to be in love and want to be loved in return.” Dr. Jessica says, taking the frame back softly. 

“Want to be loved in return,” He parroted, nodding to himself, “Y-...you- your d-da- daaa... dad... me-mmm...m-mean?” 

Dr. Jessica felt herself doing a little happy dance in her mind as John found more confidence to stumble through his words. She decided to just smile and nod 

“A little. He never hit me, but plenty of mean words and slurs at first. But— when parents see how happy their children are, they’re willing to do whatever it takes to see them that happy forever. And for my dad, seeing me with Cece he related to happiness so he had to either accept it or lose me and my happiness.” 

John nodded, not sure if that was true for Henry, Henry just lived to see John miserable, but John can dream and hope that some day, maybe Henry would change. One day, maybe he'd get sober and love his son.

John pulls out his phone silently and scrolls for a minute, finding an actual nice picture of Alex. He’s leaning on the bar of Juan's Mexican Grill for Laf's birthday; his head in his hands and he’s smiling, a genuine smile that makes John's stomach flip when he thinks about it. Laf is leaning on him, flipping off the camera. 

“Brother.” John says pointing to Laf. 

Dr. Jessica looks confused, so he grabs the iPad again, exhausted from all the talking he’s worked up today. 

“ _Alex’s brother. Both adopted.”_

Dr. Jessica nods and takes the iPad again, absolutely determined to get him to talk more. 

“What do you like about him? Like what made you fall in love with him?” 

John thought back to when Alex first moved in with the Washington’s. He was so angry, so mad at the world. He was so thin, so small too. The abuse of previous families lingered on his body, being refused food, and the bruises. Alex wore a hoodie every day of that first August he moved, but that didn’t stop John from seeing them. Around his wrist, dark purple, blue then eventually yellow.. and eventually gone— never to return. 

_Alex was rough when he first came, he hated George and Laf, they were too doting— too caring for his taste, his previous foster father made it clear all men were evil. But Martha was different. His connection with Martha was unlike any other mother and son connection. And soon Alex broke down his walls to George and Laf._

_John thinks back to the day he realized he was in love with Alex._

_It was just the two of them at the house, Martha, George and Laf all off somewhere— either work or after-school activities. John and Alex were sat in Alex’s room, both mindlessly working on homework or more or less chatting, John absorbing as much information about Alex as he can— he’s unsure why, but he just needs to know more and more. John has also noted the sky darkening, thinking that he has to call Mary Eleanor and tell her she’ll need to find a ride home because her soccer practice is more than likely going to be cancelled._

_John excuses himself to call Mary Eleanor when he feels the first rumble of thunder._

_After about 10 minutes of arguing with Mary Eleanor and then 4 minutes of begging Nadia to pick her up, the thunder was almost constant now, shaking the house and causing the picture frames on the wall to move slightly every time._

_John walks back into Alex’s room to find it empty— silent._

_“Alex?” John almost whispers, looking around the room._

_“Alexander?” John whispers a little louder as he walks down the hallway_

_That’s when he hears it, the smallest, softest whimper that anyone could muster. John turns to the hall closet, skeptical of its inhabitants. He slowly opens the door as another rumble of thunder rolls through, and there it is— the most heartbreaking sight John has possibly ever seen._

_Alex is curled in on himself, pressed against the closet wall, silhouetted by a few coats hung up above him. His shoulders were shaking— his whole body looked like it was vibrating._

_And that’s when John knew._

_John knew he was absolutely, madly, completely in love with one (1) Alexander Hamilton. He wanted to take every ounce of pain and fear away from him even if it meant John had to live with it for the rest of his days. His heart squeezed in his chest to see Alex in this state, the usually bold, outgoing teen now shaking in fear._

_John couldn’t stop himself— he really couldn’t. He just threw himself on the ground next to Alex and wrapped his arms around the smaller boy. Alex quickly melted into him sliding his arms around johns waist. After a few minutes John heard Alex pipe up._

_“You don’t have to stay. No one stays.”_

_John just smiles and pushes himself a little closer to Alex,_

_“I don’t have to, but I want to— that’s the difference.”_

_After a few moments, John feels Alex’s breathing even out, he still jumps at a few rumbles of thunder, but John can’t make himself let go. He doesn’t want to. He just wants to sit here for hours and hours and feel Alex’s warmth radiating into him._

_But the best things don’t last forever._

_The closet door swings open quickly and here stands Martha, worry crossing her face and fear flooding her eyes._

_When she sees John holding Alex she eases up, “oh my boy, I’m so sorry I wasn’t home.”_

_Alex pulls away from John softly, John already mourning the loss of Alex in his arms._

———— 

John is brought back to the velvet couch by Jessica tapping him softly. 

He reaches for the iPad, typing away.

“ _Sorry. Daydreaming.”_

“So What is it? What made you love Him?” 

John considered for a second, how he was going to begin typing this... 

_Maybe it’s the butterflies I get when he smiles, or how I want to protect him from every evil thing in this world. or... I want to write sonatas and magnum opus’ every time he laughs.._

” _butterflies in my stomach. His smile. His laugh. His passion. Want to protect him.”_ John can feel the blush burning across his face, cheeks heating up instantly. Jessica smiles and pats his leg 

“Well let’s get to work.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Filler chapter brought to you by *drumroll please* @Broadway_Trashdump!
> 
> Ok, real talk pals, please be kind. Despite this leaving you on more of a cliffhanger than last chapter, Vic's speech therapy sessions are such gems and I hope you love them as much as I do! I think that the added context is so exquisitely done! Love ya Vic <333
> 
> Please Comment, Critique, or Scream into the void of the comments section. Thank you lovies! Stay safe!
> 
> \-- Kandi


	9. The Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birthdays, Bracelets, and Boundaries.

**October 28 - Laurens Household - John's birthday - Day ? of a series of misunderstandings**

John woke up slowly, feeling groggy and heavy. He rubbed his eyes, taking in the light practically beaming through the townhouse window. He humphed, realizing that he could get used to the not talking, to the scars on his face and abdomen, the soreness in his knee, he was still not used to waking up late with no regard for school. God, it's been near two months and he hasn't been to school.

He sat up and stretched. If he was honest... he felt lousy. Wouldn't be the first time he felt shitty on his birthday, and it would not be the last. He sighed through his nose, rubbing sleep from his eyes. Somehow found the willpower to swing his legs over his bed and get up to feed himself.

The home was quiet. It felt odd, not having the early-morning noise of Junior scarfing down cereal or bacon, Martha whining about her outfit or makeup, James crying over not wanting to go to school, Mary-Eleanor just... crying. He loved the mundane things, yet the house seemed dead.

John sighed, making his way into the kitchen and reaching into the pantry for a couple of packets of instant oatmeal. It had been four days now since John's confession and things were still weird. He shook any memory of it from his head, trying to block out the humiliation _stupid stupid stupid stup-_

"Morning kiddo!" Nadia's piercing voice said. John winced, _great._

John turned his head, flashing her a tight-lipped smile.

"Happy birthday!!"

John muttered a quiet "Thhhanks," trying to end the conversation and put the water in his oatmeal.

Nadia felt the tension, things had always been awkward between them. She pulled a relatively small box from behind her back, "Gotcha somethin'."

John side-eyed the box, sticking his bowl in the microwave.

"Go on..." She said, setting the gold-wrapped box on the counter.

John stifled an annoyed sigh, ever polite, and graciously took the box.

He peeled the paper back, revealing a satin-y box. He looked back up at Nadia, feeling the box's weight and expensive fabric covering. He popped it open, revealing two slim silver bracelets. He squinted at the engravings:

**A+J**

**J+A**

John felt sick.

"I figured you and Alex could-"

"Yep," John said, shutting box, "Tha-anks." He pulled her into a side hug and quickly turned around, feeling tears burn his eyes.

"Did I misread something? I thought you two were together."

"Nnnot together. Uh... me? Juus'... Jus' me."

Nadia's face was unreadable, "I'm sorry... I just thought... He said... are you sure it's one sided?"

John nearly burned his fingers pulling the bowl out of the microwave, still with his back to Nadia, "Sure."

"Because at the hospital-"

"Alexander! Not-Not... Not have... Not love me!" John shouted, slamming the bowl on the table.

Nadia gulped, guilt twisting in her gut, struggling to understand. She could have sworn...

"I'm sorry. I'll take them back. "

John instantly felt horrible, he had been so ungrateful. So rude. So dismissive. Nadia had given him a gift. An _expensive_ gift. He swiftly turned around, his face laced with apology.

"No! No, no, th-thaa-aank... thank you!" He pointed at the box, "Pretty. Thank you."

Nadia gave him a small smile, then changed the subject, "Any birthday plans?"

John shrugged, spooning a disgustingly large bite of oatmeal into his mouth.

"You're not hanging out with uh... oh what's that foreign boy's name?" John shot her a dirty look.

"Lafayette. No."

"And not Ale-"

"No. No one."

"What about those sweet girls from school?"

John was getting frustrated. _No! No one cared enough to remember my birthday. No one invited me to go out. The last birthday we celebrated ended in disaster, no one wants to celebrate._ "Nnnope," He said, popping the 'p' sassily.

"Well, then let me treat you to a real birthday breakfast? There's a really good cafe in midtown called-"

"No thanks," John said quietly, then looked around, "Dad?"

Nadia sighed, looking as if she didn't want to answer, "Didn't come home last night. He didn't call either. I'm sure he'll be home soon," She scated around the topic, "You sure you don't want me to treat you to some stuffed french toast? It's got like like... cornflakes and bananas and sweet cream..."

"No thanks," John repeated, stuffing down more dry oatmeal, the pasty mass tasteless in his mouth.

"You look sad," Nadia pressed, "Let me help?"

" 'M okay."

"John-" She was cut off by the pleading look John was giving her, "Okay, well, let me know if you decide to head out so I know you're okay."

John just grunted, knowing he was being stubborn but he really felt like shit and didn't want to be told how to feel.

Nadia, silk robe and all, exited the kitchen and went back into the bedroom, John guessed, to get dressed.

John scooped what was left in his bowl into his mouth and rinsed it, trudging back upstairs to wallow in his misery.

* * *

"Alexander, don't be a dick, just call him! It's his birthday, and you haven't talked to him since he came over last week. Don't you think he deserves to hear from you?"

Alex chewed his lip as he stared at John's contact on his phone. It wasn't that did didn't _want_ to call, or text, or meet up, or give him his gift, and Alex was definitely not the 'non-confrontational type' and could usually stand people being upset at him, but the fact that he'd practically turned John down because he didn't know how to react, because he wanted to make the first move, gave him an unwelcome feeling. He didn't know how to go on with John ghosting him like this, when, in actuality, he'd been doing the same thing. But something just didn't sit well. He could handle Aaron, Thomas, hell, he could handle _Laf_ being angry at him. But an angry John? That broke his heart. 

"Laf it's not that simple..."

"Then explain! Since when do we keep secrets?"

Alex looked up at his brother now, now more guilty than ever, "Never. I'm sorry."

Laf sat next to him now, giving him a patient but expectant smile.

A long pause.

A very, very long pause.

Alex sighed, hiding his face in his hands, "He... He said he loved me."

Laf took a second to react, the squealed, wrapping Alex in a crushing hug.

"Oh! This is wonderful! I knew he would be the one to make the first move, because, frankly, Alexander, I don't-"

"Ow!! Laf you're crushing my ribs! You don't understand... That... That's not all," Laf relinquished his grip, looking confused.

"He told me he loved me and... I didn't say it back."

Laf let out a thoughtful breath through his nose, "Well, do you?"

"What?"

"Do you love him?"

Alex gulped, "Yeah. Yeah I do, it's just... I wanted to say it first. I had it all planned out and then he was so out of sorts that night and I decided I would wait just a little longer. I didn't want him to feel committed to anything before he even knew if he'd be able to speak properly again. So... So I didn't say it. I was gonna say as soon as dinner ended and in a split second everything changed and then...

"And then he said it. He said and I wasn't ready, I wasn't prepared and he must've worked _so fucking hard_ to say it all on his own. He said my _name_. On his _own._ And I just... blanked. My-My brain short circuited and I didn't know what to say, or what to do, so I just smiled and said ' _let's go finish dinner'_ and, God, Laf he was so _heartbroken_. He just stared at me. Finished eating, and asked to go home. So George walked him home and I never... I never said it back."

Laf listened intently, "You know... I know I tend to take John's side when it comes to these things, but... your reaction... I don't blame you. You weren't ready, and that's okay. I mean, yes, he's hurt, but I'm sure if you explain what happened, how you were feeling... John would understand. It must've taken a lot of courage to say those things to you, and he likely feels like you do not care. I know you do, and he will, too. Just... talk to him. Tell him. Otherwise he won't know. Okay?"

"Whatever..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops my finger slipped =)
> 
> This chapter was mine (Kandi)! Thanks to Vic it actually makes sense lol. I know this one's short, but that's only because the next one is long and packet full of important bits, so be on the lookout for that. Please please, PRETTY EXTRA SUPER PLEASE leave a comment! I genuinely love hearing from Y'all. It's the best part of my day. Criticism, suggestions, comments, screaming into the abyss out of frustration are all welcome! Love y'all bunches, stay safe!!
> 
> \-- Kandi
> 
> P.S. Also, if you're like me and don't know anything about tarot cards, just know that up until this chapter I would just google the chapter title after Vic told me what it was (bc they name all the chapters like a sweetie) soooo just know you're not alone. =)


	10. The Star

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Avoidance, Ignorance, and Breakthroughs.

**October 31 - Laurens Household - One of many instanaces of avoidance by one Alex Hamilton**

John was going to go insane, he was sure of it. He'd been a mess for nearly a week. His birthday had fallen early the week, just days after the Alex... incident and everyone insisted that they wait until the weekend to celebrate, but John really didn't feel up to it. Herc had practically begged him, saying that the two had barely spoken in months, which was true, but he still felt unsure. All he could think was _"remember what happened last time?"_ John was pretty deep into his spiral when his phone chimed on the nightstand.

He looked up, pulling his phone slowly off the wooden table. He sighed when he say his own face in the camera, disheveled and tired-looking. **Angie 💕💕 Would like to FaceTime...** He smiled a bit, answering the call.

"Hey John!" Angelica said, her tone bright and cheery. From what John could tell, she was outside, likely walking somewhere.

"Hi," John said softly.

"I got an interesting text a minute ago..." John gulped, awaiting her accusation, "Herc says you want to spend your birthday weekend alone? Sorry, no ma'am." Angelica scolded, looking into the camera properly for the first time during the call.

John just looked away, not knowing how to express his guilt, his anxiety, his fear.

"Look John, I... I understand. You must be all kinds of nervous. But, it's your seventeenth birthday. You should be out with friends and having fun like teenagers do-" _Yeah, normal teenagers..._ "Tell ya what, the AMC in Lincoln Square is showing Rock Horror Picture Show tonight for Halloween. What do you say we round up everyone and see it together, my treat."

John smiled, Rocky Horror was a favorite of his, and he really did miss seeing everyone. "O-Ok"

"Cool, I'll look at times right now..."

John nodded, seeing the "Paused" icon enter his screen.

"There's 4:30, 5:15, 6:45, and a late showing at 10:00."

_Remember what happened last time?_

_Remember what happened last time?_

_Remember what happened last time?_

Angelica's face returned, seeing John's grave expression.

"J?"

_Bright lights_

_a noise_

_ringing_

_darkness_

_pain_

_again_

_Bright lights_

_a noise_

_ringing_

_darkness_

_pain_

_again_

_Bright lights_

_a noise_

_ringing_

_darkness_

_pain_

_pain_

_pain_

_pain_

_SPEAK,BOY,SPEAK_

"John! Hey, are you ok?"

" 'M fine," John said reflexively, snapping out of... whatever had just happened.

"Did you hear me?"

A shake of the head, "Sorry."

"I said the late showing will probably be less crowded, and better for spook factor."

"Mm..." John hummed dismissively, staring off.

"So is 10:00 okay?"

John flinched, his face broken, "I can't..."

Angelica sighed. John registered that she had entered her home at some point. "Jack... What's the matter? "

"You know... I'm scared too, you know. I've only driven once since... since..."

"Yeah." John whispered, his chest tight with impending tears.

Angelica's eyes were glassy, "I can't imagine what it's like for you. I mean, I feel like an asshole for feeling so sorry for myself after what happened. _Fuck_ , John you almost died! You can't... communicate. Your life may be... permanently altered, so I don't blame you for wanting to stay inside. I don't blame you for hiding, or wanting to be alone. But the fact is, John, I probably couldn't be speaking to you right now if everyone hadn't taught me not to be guilty. If I had hidden and isolated myself... I might not... I might not be here. So... please. If not for yourself, come tonight for me?"

* * *

“I just don’t understand why you can’t stick your tail between your legs for one night and come to the movies with us!” Herc huffed as he threw himself across Lafs bed. Alex sat cross armed in front of him on the floor, attitude lacing his face 

“And I don’t understand why you can’t let me finish my homework in peace.” He shot back. It’s not that Alex didn’t want to go— he did, really, but he couldn’t face John again. Not yet. 

Laf just sighed and slipped off his bed to sit next to Alex on the floor. 

“It’s his birthday Alexander. Before any of this awkwardness he was your best friend first. You’d really let your best friend celebrate his birthday without you? You know he wants you there.” 

Alex wanted to be there too, but it was too much, too fast. It’s like the water current took him through rapids, and he hated it. He hated not being in control. 

“Seriously dude, it’s just two hours, of us throwing toast and we’ll write a big V on your cheek for virgin, it’ll be fun. You love Rocky!” Herc pleaded one last time, and how could Alex say no? 

“I have to stop at Target to pick up Johns gift, so will you take the subway or come with me?” Laf says, scrolling through the target app on his phone. 

"Uh... Subway."

* * *

**Laurens Household, 9:00 PM**

John had his backpack packed, water bottle, phone, etc. He was waving to Marty as he opened the door, hoping to slip under the radar as he left. Nadia wouldn't want him walking so far on his own this late, and Henry would probably scold him for so long he'd miss the movie entirely.

Unfortunately, John had forgotten about the chime on the alarm system, and flinched when the noise stirred the house.

"JOHN?!"

Fuck.

John gulped, spinning on his heel.

"Where do you think you're going?" John could smell the alcohol on his breath from 10 feet away.

"S-ss.. ah... Mm... Movie?"

"A movie. Of course. You invite your little faggot friend? What's his name? Alice?"

"Alexander." John said, gritting his teeth.

"Ah. You gonna go suck his cock Jacky?"

John frowned deeply, "No. N.. No go. No Alexander."

"Aww, your boyfriend isn't going? That's too bad. How ya gonna get there Jacky?"

_Jacky_. A name his mother had called him. A name Alex had called him. A term of endearment twisted into sickening venom. He felt nauseous.

"I... uh... uhm... I don't..."

"Well? Ya gonna answer me?!"

Dizzy. Everything was spinning and his head hurt. _WALK I'M GOING TO WALK BECAUSE IF I TAKE A CAB I'LL DIE IF ANGIE DRIVES I'LL DIE DIE DIE DIE._

Hand strong on his chin.

_"Speak, boy. Speak!"_

John squeezed his eyes shut.

"Walk. Movies."

It seemed to be a pleasing enough answer for Henry, because he let John go, if only with some force. John hightailed out of sight, texting Angelica a little green turtle emoji-- Their signal that he was ready to go. She'd insisted on picking him up, promised she'd be careful, promised she'd take the long way to avoid traffic. _She'd promised._

**AMC in Lincoln Park , 9:50 PM**

The October air was freezing. John's teeth chattered and he wished he'd brought more than a worn-out hoodie. He'd made it through the car ride okay, as long as he kept his eyes shut and Peggy held his hand.

Right now, though, John, Peggy, Angie, and Eliza were outside the movie theater, waiting on Laf, Hercules and Alex, because of some dumb rule that they had to buy tickets together, and they could only buy tickets outside this late.

It wasn't too long before John heard Hercules' boisterous laughter, causing everyone to turn and greet the three of them. John's gaze fixed on Alex, who was hiding deep in his parka and looking anywhere but at John.

John felt panic stir in his gut once more, so he took a staying breath. He walked up to Alex, forced a "hey" trying to keep up with the boy, who kept speed walking ahead of him.

_ignored_

_ignored_

_ignored_

_he won't listen_

_no one will listen_

_he can't hear you_

_No one can hear you_

John hadn't realized he'd stopped walking until Herc was calling at him to catch up. He quickly wiped tears away, and followed his friends up to the ticket booth.

* * *

_"hey"_

Alex couldn’t even stomach answering, he quickly scurried ahead to mingle into the group, and away from John. 

_God, you’re a real fucking asshole, you know that, Hamilton?_

Alex followed the group in, shooting one quick glance back to John. He just looked down, boring holes into the carpet of the theater as Herc talked his ear off, no realization that John was actually dissociating and didn’t even hear a word of what Herc was saying— 

Alex shook his head and paid for his ticket, weakly smiling at the box office attendant as she tore his ticket out of the printer. He’d be gone in approximately 7 minutes, so it was a ten dollar deficit. Maybe it was worth it to not have to sit there, every emotion clawing at his stomach, thinking about how he’s hurt John, and how he’s going to continue to hurt John, thinking how he can’t save himself from this one, no refrains to be written, no books on the matter. 

He knows three truths.

1) John loves him. 

2) he loves John but can’t tell him now. It’s too much, it’s too awkward, it happened too fast. 

3) And by now John probably hates him, right? 

They all pile down the row in the theater, the last two seats on the end, reserved for Laf and Alex. 

_Of fucking course._

John occupies the seat next to where Alex should be sitting. He’s been staring at the seat for moments now, unable to move. 

“You okay, Alex?” Peggy asks, venom lacing her voice. She vaguely understood what transpired between the two, based on what little John could give her, and being Peggy, it was more than obvious where she stood on the debate. 

“Uh— yeah. I’m just gonna run to the bathroom before the movie starts.” 

—————

Ten minutes had passed, then twenty, the previews were ending and it had become increasingly clear Alex was not coming back. 

“Maybe there was just a long line, it’s okay John.” Peggy whispers, squeezing his hand. 

Laf runs in and dives into the seat next to John, smiling brightly 

“I am so sorry! I had to run to get your present and then the bathroom line was so long— where is Alex? I saw him come out of the bathroom whilst I was in line?” 

“He must've left.” 

**November 4 - Fanelli's Cafe, SoHo - Another of many instances of avoidance by one Alex Hamilton**

John was absolutely fucking _freezing_. He assumed it could be that it was because he was so damn skinny and stringy. Eliza always joked that he needed to eat more, even though she knew he was practically a bottomless pit. Now, though, he was huddled over a hot bowl of chicken noodle soup. Everyone was there. Everyone, that is, except Alex. Laf mentioned that he had a debate meet that had run late, and he would be there any moment.

John could barely hear the banter around him as he downed his bowl of soup. He was just starting a second bowl (that the waitress had so graciously given him, even if none of his friends noticed he needed help ordering) when the door opened.

John locked eyes with the patron. Alexander stared right back. A beat of silence, then Alex turned around, and left.

A beat of silence, and John had found that he'd lost his appetite.

* * *

John was not one to be avoided. He’d been a doormat all his life and the one person he would not be a doormat for is Alexander Hamilton. 

He poured his heart out. He'd practiced and struggled and cried and torn his hair out for hours trying to say it. Three words were so much harder for him than for Alex and he couldn't even _say it back._ He'd been ignored and pushed aside by his father his whole damn life and he would not take the same treatment from Alexander. Even if Alex didn't love him, or even like him. Even if Alex _hated_ him, John would make him say it. Because he couldn't but Alex can and he would not have that taken from him. John would give him a piece of his mind if it were the last thing he did. He was tired of feeling _alone_ and Alexander was the one person who kept him company when no one else would. He had no right to take that away.

Sneaking out was easy enough, his father had long been knocked out on the couch, his vice of the night being tequila. John didn’t mind. 

It was a four block walk to the Washington’s brick front, they have an ivy climber up to the second floor window, just like his house. 

He’s climbed that ivy climber many nights to escape his father. 

He wasn’t sad anymore. He was angry— the anger burned in his chest, or maybe that was the wind chill cutting through his ratty old hoodie. God he needs a new hoodie. 

Before he knows it, he’s climbing up. Foot by foot, the ivy has already begun to dry out from the cold, but the wood lattice underneath is still strong and sturdy as he climbs. 

Come to think of it, Mr. Washington probably regularly checked the wood to make sure he didn’t hurt himself sneaking in. There have been many a morning John left here for school but did not start the night here. 

Those nights were fond memories to John, they started out terrible— Henry just being Henry usually— but John would come and just climb the ivy and Alex would be waiting, almost knowing that John needed him. It doesn’t matter. 

John shook the memories out of his brain— focusing on his anger. 

John propped himself up on Alex’s windowsill and banged on the window. The Washingtons were one floor down and wouldn’t hear, and Laf is usually a heavy sleeper. 

John sees the light flick on, and then a disheveled Alex appears behind the curtain, and yanks the window up. 

“John..? What are you—“ 

John pushes his way in, around Alex to stand in the room now. It’s been weeks since he’s been here, but it feels empty. It feels different. 

“John—“ 

“Stop.” Johns voice is firm, and strong. His face is stony and focused. Alex has never seen this John, this serious, almost scary side of him. 

Alex just drops his hands to his sides, unsure what to say. 

“Wh.. whhhh—what. The **_fuck_**?” 

John could feel his hands shaking. He just balled them to try and steady himself

Alex scoffed, actually _scoffed_ at him, “ ‘What the fuck'? What, John? Is that what you came here at 2 am to say?” 

“Y— you— YOU _LEFT ME!”_ John was absolutely yelling, no, almost screaming. He runs his hands through his hair, splitting curls. He feels fat, hot tears streaming down his cheeks, but that’s not important to John right now. 

He could feel himself breaking down. His voice became waterlogged with tears, 

“You left me you left me you left me—“ 

John pushes the palms of his hands into his eyes, trying to stop the tears. Alex just looks on, horrified at what he’s done. This is his fault if he wasn’t _so fucking dumb and just knew what to do John wouldn’t be like this, fuck fuck fuck._

_“_ John, please...” Alex steps closer, resting a hand on Johns shoulder. 

“NO!!” John shoves Alex away, causing him to stumble back into his desk, 

“You. Left. Me. Why?! You PROMISE!! You promise... You promise... tss... muh... stay, you promise and you left me. _Why?!_ ” 

Before Alex has time to respond Laf busts in with a pink hello kitty softball bat, ready to swing, though his eyes betray sleep. 

“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?”— Laf takes a second to assess the scene in front of him: John is crying, Alex seems to be on the verge of tears as well. Laf just sighs, dropping the bat and leaning it against the wall. 

“Well, come on let’s get this over with.” And with that he turns and leaves the room, expecting the boys to follow, as if he'd seen this coming... 

John didn't move, and Alex hesitated between leaving John _again_ and following Laf. John's face was firm, angry, with brows furrowed deeply, causing his whole face to frown, but he was crying. Big, emotional tears. An expression Alex had never, ever seen. It frightened Alex to his very core. Would John hit him? _Could he?_ He took a shaky breath, trying to push the thought from his mind.

"I said, come. On." Lafayette's voice said, sharp with frustration.

John sniffled, wiped his face and trudged forward, shooting Alex a deadly glare.

Lafayette led them into the dining room, pointing definitively at the two head chairs at the table, "Sit. Now."

Alex's throat felt tight. What has he _done?!_

Lafayette sat between them, closer to Alexander, which made John feel more isolated

_alone alone alone freak fucking speak boy SPEAK-_

John blinked, fresh tears coating his cheeks.

"John? Hello?" Laf said, trying to mask his impatience.

John looked up, swallowing, "Sor-ry," he said, his voice cracking.

"Now, both of you. This has gone on for long enough. Neither of you have been communicative, though that may not- I-I'm sorry, _you_ may not be entirely at fault for that. However, neither of you have been completely honest, or spoken in a way that is clear so. I'm stepping in. Alexander, what have you to say?" Lafayette's clear-cut and focus way of speaking was jarring, despite his slip in English. He always spoke this way, but the directness after so many weeks of ambiguity felt good, almost. Refreshing. To John at least.

Alex's throat felt tight. What _did_ he have to say? I'm sorry? I love you too? Forgive me?

He glanced up at John, preparing himself to speak, but John's eyes burned right through him, causing him to freeze.

"Well?"

Alex opened his mouth, then shut it. Then opened, let out a little sound, then shut it again.

John's face didn't move.

"Alexander..." Lafayette said impatiently, "You owe him an explanation. You've waited long enough. You're hurting him."

_you're hurting him..._

Alex buried his face in his hands rubbing his eyes, "I guess I just... you caught me off guard. I thought... I thought I was going to be the one to make the first move. Then... then you said it and I... I wasn't expecting it and I panicked. I panicked and didn't know how to respond and you took it the wrong way and I thought you would hate me so I... I guess I just... I..."

"Left," John said, voice cold, "You panicked. You left me. Why?"

"Because I didn't want you to be mad at me!"

John scoffed, setting his jaw, "IIII... I'mmm... Mad."

Alex groaned, digging his fists into his eyes, "I didn't know what to do!!"

"Speak!" John said, standing up from the table, causing Lafayette to do the same before things escalated any further, "Speak, Alex! Speak. I can't.... you can. Speak."

Alex felt as if the guilt would consume him entirely. Swallow him up whole into inky black, "You're right I'm sorry."

John huffed at him through his nose. He stood up studdenly.

Laf ushered John back into the seat, but he resisted, "I'm... Go home," he whispered, more angry tears flooding his face. _Drowning drowning drowning..._

Laf stayed, his hand gentle on John's wrist, "Please stay. If not for yourself then for me. For Alexander. Stay?"

John's eyes flickered between the two of them, Laf pleading and strong, Alex scared and broken.

Fuck, if John didn't keep his promise to Alexander he wouldn't know what to do to himself. So he sat back down, this time in the seat next to Alexander. Didn't touch him, didn't look at him, just sat there by his side and whispered, "Okay."

And for that Alex was grateful. He broke, tears spilling. John heard Laf gasp a small "Oh..."

John set a hand on his knee, squeezing it affectionately. It was his best attempt at comfort without squeezing the life out of him. He had to focus. He was still angry.

Alex took a breath and looked up at John, nodding in unspoken understanding.

"See?" Lafayette spoke softly, still standing next to them, "This is who you are. You aren't malicious toward one another, look what it does to both of you. Look at where we are. Both of you are a mess, and only because Alexander was afraid. Are you still afraid?"

A quiet "No..."

"So. What have you to say?" Lafayette prompted once more.

Alex made proper eye contact with John, pulling his hands toward him to get John to turn and face him.

"I love you too. I've said it before-"

"I know."

"Huh?"

"Hospital."

Alex blinked, looking amazed, "You heard me."

Not a question, a statement.

"Yeah."

"Well, I love you, and I shouldn't have abandoned you like that. Especially without any explanation. It wasn't fair and I'm so... so fucking sorry. I can't imagine how that must've felt for you. To not have anyone to talk to. Not to have anyone who understood. It wasn't fair of me to take that away from you. I'm sorry, I love you, and next time I... I'll tell you if something's making me... anxious, okay?"

John squeezed his hand and smiled sweetly, "Okay."

"We'll be okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **yosoytriste**  
>  So I was thinking the whole breaking in at midnight thing, climbing through his window yeah— John is there. Alex is there. John starts (trying) to yell and is getting genuinely upset like Alex tries to come and comfort him and he shoves him away and now ALex Gets a little yelly and laf obviously hears the commotion and comes in with a MF BAT!!! READY TO DEFEND THE HOMEFRONT!!! But it’s just John, upset. Alex upset. Boom, now he is moderator for this balls to the wall brawl in the mall" - Vic, August 12, 1:07PM. 
> 
> Yes, that's wen we started planning this chapter, yes it's late. Delayed gratification BITCHES.
> 
> Plz send comments and tumblr pms. I'm thirsty lonely and sleep deprived <3
> 
> \--Kam


	11. Five of Pentacles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A nightmare unnoticed, storms, and game night.

_"... I thought I was doomed to a life of seclusion. Of other-ness, but you all welcomed me with open arms and for this I will be forever grateful. We only have two more years together, let us make the most of-"_

_"ANGELICA WATCH OUT!"_

_Bright white-yellow light, a flash of silvery-blue._

_Angelica was certain she'd never had as much strength as she did in that moment, based on how hard she stamped the break, what force she used to swerve to the left._

useless

useless

useless

_She whipped her head to right, only in time to see John's head smash through the window. She looked away quickly, her gut churned with guilt and shame and fear._ **_He's fine, Everything's going to be fine. Don't look and he'll be fine. Don't scream and it will go away._ **

_She was going to throw up._

_If the car would just fucking stop!_

_Careful what you wish for..._

_Stillness was worse than skidding. Silence was worse than the crash. Fear was better than waiting._

_"Everyone okay?" Angelica managed, forcing herself to look into the rearview, behind her, anywhere but_ **_johnjohnjohn_ **

_"I-I'm okay. My neck hurts a little, but I'm okay," Peggy squeaked from the third row._ **_Peggy never stuttered._ **

_"Me too..." Eliza offered._

_Alex groaned, loud and guttural, "My shoulder's fucked..." Watching him struggle to reach over to stabilize it, Angelica's chest felt tight and hot and suffocating. Laf fawned over him, asking questions in what she now knew to be rapid french, but at the moment it didn't register. She thought she was going crazy. She had to be dreaming. She heard Alex mutter "I think I hit it on the door."_

_She nodded, it took too much strength "Okay, okay, uh... Hercules? Laf?"_

_"Uh... I'm fine I think. Just a- a little, um.. shaky? Shake.. uh..." Laf stammered, biting his tongue. He was completely out of sorts._

_"Shaken," Hercules supplied, his voice strong and confident, but strained, "My leg is completely numb. I can't feel it at all. What about you John?"_

_When John didn't answer, Angelica knew she would have to do something. She would have to look. She would have to see what she had done. She hesitated._

_"John?" Hercules prompted, leaning forward and almost catching a glimpse of the horror._

_Angelica turned and looked and felt vomit rise in her throat. She swallowed, wanting to scream but felt frozen. She recalled the feeling, compared it to that time she'd fallen through the ice while skating with her mother. Her mother who'd met the same fate John had waiting for him._

_His face was unrecognizable, with glass sticking out of every crevice. Blood and gore made her feel faint and sick usually, but now she only felt frozen. A shaky "Oh God..." escaped her mouth, though she didn't recall telling her mouth to say those words. "Oh God..." She said again, the dreamlike trance she'd been in fading away to reality as her voice raised in pitch, "Call 911 now! NOW DO IT NOW SHIT!!"_

_She tried to dust away shards of glass, nicking her fingers. She reached for his face, hesitated to touch it._

_Then_

_it happened again._

_John's face smashed through the window. Blood, guilt, hesitation, unintended words, screams, John's face smashed through the window. Blood, guilt, hesitation, unintended words, screams, John's face smashed through the window the window the window thewindowthewindowthewindow_

Angelica sat straight up, gasping for air. She was soaking wet, she had to be drowning.

She felt around on the sheets surrounding her, her fingers twitching and tingling beneath the soft bedspread. _Bedspread_. She was home. She was awake. She was fine. She was... drenched in sweat.

Her chest heaved as she reached for the lamp switch. Once the light was on, she rubbed her eyes, pressing the heels of her hands into them. Trying to rid herself of the memory. Of the blood. Of the screams. Of the window. She reached for her phone.

**November 7 - Game Night at the Laurens Household - 7 hours earlier - Day One of an Exploration**

John knocked Marty's knight over, snatching it from the chess board. Marty huffed at him and kicked him under the coffee table. He just laughed.

Alex looked over, the warmth of John's smile like a salve to his previously known anxieties. Things were better now. Things were _good_ now. He could see John, touch him, hold him, and not feel like an intruder anymore. There were exceptions, of course, like when he was here, in Henry's home, but Henry was never present. He was careful not to be obvious, because even he knew that Henry would somehow know. He _always_ knew.

"Alex!" James snapped, "Your turn to spin."

Alex shook his head, startled and spun the colorful spinner attached to the game board. Had he been playing "The Game of Life" with anyone else, he would have ragged on about the heteronormativity of the entire idea of the game. But he was contented to play mindlessly with John's 11 year old brother, as long as John was happy.

The hour quickly sped by. Alex had lost the game (not to his dissatisfaction, as "The Game of Life" had a distorted image of what an ideal life looked like, the importance of a college degree, etc. According to this game, your life was over once you were no longer profitable to the government) and John was looking a little worn out, something becoming more and more common, Alex had noticed. John was never one for social gatherings, but after the accident, being around a lot of people seemed to be even more draining.

John got up and wandered into the kitchen, grabbing two fancy Italian sodas (which were Nadia’s favorite— Usually Henry wouldn’t allow them to drink them, but Nadia is still trying to get on Johns good side.) and a few bags of pretzels, comically bat shaped, as they were left overs from Halloween.) He plopped into the seat next to Alexander at the card table and tossed him a snack and a can of soda. Alexander was thankful, he felt his stomach begin to growl not long ago. 

Just as Alex was popping the tab, low, growling thunder rolled above them, the townhouse giving a bit of a shiver. Everyone looked up and around, everyone that is, but John. His gaze snapped to Alexander, a question written on his face.

Alex mouthed _'I'm okay'._ John looked unconvinced, so Alex took his hand and squeezed it.

Alex could lie to John no problem, but he couldn’t deny the instant tightness in his chest, and the way his breathing began to become labored, but it wasn’t noticeable right now, he’s fine. He’s fine. He’s fine. 

They went back to playing and chatting as rain started thudding on the window. John could see Alex's whole body slowly tighten and tense, Alex instinctually flinching at each growl of thunder across the sky. His breathing continually degenerated to having to take frequent deep breaths to even feel satisfied by the air coming into his lungs. John got his attention and pointed to the stairway, silently asking if Alex wanted to go to his room.

Alex _wanted_ to. He probably needed to, too. But what if they got the wrong idea? What if Henry came home and-

"Alexander..." John whispered, "Go? Me too."

_I'll go with you, Alexander._

Alex hesitated once more, then nodded.

Nadia called after them, mostly teasing saying things like 'be safe' which made Alex laugh, a nervous laugh bubbling from his chest and John scowl.

John opened the door and Alex crawled into the bed, setting a pillow on his lap. Johns bed was soft and welcoming, the blanket a plush throw and down pillows. Probably the perfect nap spot, if Alex had to choose one. He watched as John shut the door carefully, made his way to close the blinds and pull the curtains shut. Alex was grateful, and silently thanked Nadia for making John pick out curtains.

John reached for his phone, playing some instrumental music, scurrying back and forth, doing everything to make Alex comfortable. It didn't take Alex long to notice how restless he was.

"It's okay, this is good," he said, catching John's attention.

He looked surprised, then embarrassed, "Ss...orryy."

Alex frowned, "Why are you sorry?"

_Because you're struggling and hiding it. Because you needed help and I made it about me. Because_ ** _everything_** _is about me. Because I want to help you and all you do is worry about me, so I have to be sorry._

Alex watched John search for the words. His eyes downcast, his mouth moving in silent syllables. Before John had time to piece together a response, thunder boomed.

Alex's body went tense, clutching the pillow. John looked around, spotting the pack of ear plugs on his night table. He reached for the pack, pulling out a pair. He gently unwound Alex's fingers from the pillowcase, pressing the soft foam earplugs into Alex's palm.

Alex took a shaky breath and thanked him. John just smiled, climbing on the bed next to him . He gently pushed Alex down, his head resting in Johns lap. John softly tugged his hair out of its pony tail and began running his fingers through his hair, scratching his head along the way. Alex always felt helpless during storms, like he was fluid and out of control. But being with John gave him a sense of secure lucidity that he constantly craved.

They stayed like that a few minutes as the storm grew in strength. Soon enough earplugs and music were not enough. Alex began to shake violently, and John felt useless. He couldn't talk Alex down, or whisper reassurances. The music was barely audible, the tree outside window rapping violently against the glass and the thunder outside drowning out any melody.

John scooted down into a laying position next to him, and turned Alex’s face toward his own, gently allowing Alex to see him properly. His eyes opened, showing deep, brown pools of fear and vulnerability. John heart smashed into pieces. "Alexander..." he said, "Hear mmeee?"

Alex nodded warily.

John smiled. _Progress_. "I... he-he.... Help. You need?? Uh.."

_What do you need? How can I help you?_

Alex, somehow, _somehow_ , understood. "Sing? For me?"

John blanched, looking surprised, "Sing?" He repeated, the word foreign feeling. He hadn't even _said_ the word 'sing', let alone _sang_ since the accident.

"Yeah..." Alex croaked, "The um... The Beatles one you played at the guitar center in the mall? You remember?"

John nodded absently. _Oh he remembered._ "Let it Be," he stated, not even realizing he'd said it aloud.

"Yeah, " Alex whispered, "That's the one."

John nodded, his throat feeling suddenly tight. He knew this song better than he he knew himself... could he still sing it?

He had to.

Alex needed him to.

If anything, he thought, he knew the melody. So he began to hum. Alex pulled his earplugs out, burying himself further into Johns chest. Eventually Alex joined into the verse, his voice croaky and groggy, "For though they may be parted, there is still a chance they will see, there will be an answer, let it be..."

And then John joined him, the chorus far from pitch-perfect (mostly for the sake of Alex's pride), but John remembered every word. And Alex smiled.

Alex smiled.

Finally _, finally_ John had done right by him. And all he had to do to...

Was sing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wheeeeeee! I have nothing else to say.
> 
> Please leave comments. I am hungry for validation.
> 
> (But for real, you guys who leave a comment every chapter... I fucking love you and you are my children)
> 
> -Kandi


	12. The Empress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pie, invitations, and dancing.

**Thanksgiving Day - Laurens Household - A Day for Family**

Christ it was cold. 

John woke wrapped up in his comforter, the November air already flooding through every crack in the house. He’d slept most of the day away, on and off napping, It was around noon now.

He rolled over to check his phone, a few texts Alex sent after he fell asleep, a twitter notification, nothing too urgent. 

The house felt oddly still. No Mary-Eleanor clomping around on the hardwood, no Nadia yelling for him. Eerie.

John rose from bed silently, wrapping the comforter tighter around his body as he padded down the stairs. The house was dark and quiet as he approached the kitchen. Empty.

John trudged through the kitchen finally reaching the island in the middle where a yellow legal pad lay, and his fathers handwriting scrawled across it— 

“ _John, out at the country club for the holiday weekend. Won’t be home until late Saturday/early Sunday. Leftovers in the fridge. Didn’t want you to ~~embarrass us~~ feel obliged to go in your state. _

_-dad”_

John could tell Nadia scratched and rewrote the last sentence for Henry, the capitalized print crossed out and replaced with dainty, loopy cursive, but he couldn’t seem to care. He felt genuine relief in the fact that he wouldn’t have to dig up his blazer and khakis and be forced to have another stupid meal at the country club this year for thanksgiving. 

But he _was_ hungry. John looked through the fridge, nothing really jumping out at him— Nadia usually grocery shops on Friday, so...

John just sighs and pulls out the load of bread, peanut butter and fluff from the cabinet. Yes, fluff, don’t judge him. Just as he began to build his sandwich, there was a rapid knock at the front door. 

John looked down at his clothes, his teal scooby doo pajama bottoms, and an old worn out band tee. His hair hasn’t been brushed in about 3 or so days... _whatever._

John pulls the comforter tighter around himself and pads to the door, creaking it open slightly. 

Johns breath catches in his throat. 

Alex is standing there, in a white button up and a beautiful maroon sweater. His hair is pulled back into a tight ponytail and he just looks... georgeous. John suddenly feels self-conscious for looking so rumpled. And in his hands is a simple pumpkin pie, obviously from Martha. 

_Oh, and laf is here too._

Alex’s face shifts from a bright smile to a worried look. 

“John...? What’s going on?” 

“Mmm— noth-thhh...ng?” 

Alex looks skeptical. Laf tries to peer around John and into the dark house, but John just brings the door closer to his body. 

“John, are you home alone? Where has your family gone?” Laf asks softly. John just sighs and shrugs, loneliness sneaking into his chest at the idea of being left behind. 

“left, left for t— thaaaan... mn... dinner.” 

Laf can see the heartbreak in Johns eyes, no matter how much he doesn’t want to admit that he cares if his family left him, John is hurting. 

“Well.. lets go get ready.” Alex says defiantly pushing past John into the house. Laf just looks at John and shrugs, following Alex in. 

John groans in protest but follows the duo up to his room. He notes Laf’s outfit as well, it’s a nice harvest yellow color button down, tucked into brown pants. They both scream autumn and a classic family thanksgiving dinner, and it makes John wish he had a normal family. 

Instantly Alex pushes John onto the bed softly and he turns into John's closet. Laf emerges from his bathroom with a brush, comb and some products in his arm and sits behind John going to work on his jungle of curls. 

After a few moments John groans as he sees Laf reach for a hair tie, his face twists in distaste

“No complaining John, you know I love your hair back.” Alex calls from the closet already knowing Laf's plan.

Alex comes out and hands John a pair of dark jeans, a black button up and a soft blue cardigan sweater. 

After a few minutes John emerges from the bathroom and Alex feels his breath catch in his throat. He looks so handsome, his hair pulled back into a low pony, slicked back perfectly by Laf. The scar staggering down the side of his face is faded, but ever-present, and somehow still adds to his beauty. He fidgets slightly under Alex’s gaze, but Alex just wraps his arms around him and kisses his forehead sweetly. 

“Alexander.” John says, the smile lacing in his tone. A warm blush spread across his face, causing him to hide it in his hands. Alex laughed, pulling his hands away and pressing their foreheads together. 

Laf makes a gagging noise, "Ok, alright, no, I know you two are like... okay now. And that you're together or whatever this is, but seriously stop. Eugh..."

John blushed harder, humiliation consuming him. Alex just laughed him off, saying "get your stuff, John. Let's go home."

_Home._

As they walked out, John recognized George's silver and black BMW.

"Geeeoorge?" He mumbled, feeling self-conscious of his slur of speech.

Laf shook his head, "Ah, no, he lent me the car."

John nodded, his hands twisting nervously. He felt a hand on the small of his back,

"You okay? I know you're a little wary of... y'know..." Alex asked, motioning toward the car.

John gulped and shrugged, "Ba- a... um... behind?"

"You want the backseat?"

John nodded in confirmation, swinging into the backseat. 

The ride back was awkward, to say the least. Neither Alex nor Laf knew what to say. They both knew someone would have to acknowledge the fact that John's family had actually left him the fuck behind on thanksgiving day.

John fiddled around with his phone, curling into the corner.

Alex turned to him, "Martha's gonna be so excited to see you. You know how she gets when you're around. She's practically adopted you by now."

"As she should!" Laf chimed in.

John couldn't help the smile that crossed his face. He rode that small high the rest of the way.

As they approach the Washington house John can hear music and laughter flooding out of the windows that are propped open slightly, and warmth. Not physical warmth, but the warmth of family, of familiarity, of hope. The house is bustling, George is basting the turkey, as Martha chats with their nephew— who's name Alex whispers to John— Ben, and his wife Maria while they set the table together. A few other people straggle around, helping cook or chatting on couches. A re-run of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade plays on the tv. John smiles as a giant snoopy balloon bounces down 5th avenue.

Alex takes his coat softly and hangs it in the coat closet that’s now practically bursting with coats and then takes Johns hand in his. John can’t help but smile, squeezing Alex’s hand in his, feeling more comfortable here than he’s ever been in his own home. Alexander pulls him along to Martha, who instantly abandons the tableware to smother him in a tight hug 

“John! What are you doing here, sweet pea?” 

John becomes suddenly aware how he is 100% just showing up to a sacred family holiday _with no invitation, no gift, no nothing what an absolute asshole holy shit John what the FUCK you stupid idiot._

Alex squeezes his hand three times, pulling him out of his own mind 

“Paren... uh, no- not home.” John pulls the note from his sweater pocket and hands it to Martha, while she reads the note he can see her go through several emotions at once. She just crumbles the note up, shoves it in her dress pocket, and turns to Maria.

“Maria, will you make room at the table for one more? Alex’s friend...? will be joining us tonight.” 

* * *

Dinner came soon enough, John was sat next to Alex, and Laf on his other side. Turkey was passed around, stuffing and all the vegetables John could imagine. 

And he _stuffed himself,_ as was expected. As small and limber as he was, John had a notoriously large appetite.

The conversation was easy enough, Martha had whispered to the guests of Johns condition— which he caught her doing and was thankful for—so the questions were simple enough, usually yes or no or short answers. 

John and Alex were put on dish duty, John washed as Alex dried and put them away, they softly bumped hips along to the song playing on the old radio Martha kept on the counter, a soft Christmas song was buzzing through the speaker. 

_I’ll have a blue Christmas without you, I’ll be so blue, just thinking about you—_

Alex grabs the plate out of Johns hand and lays it in the sink again, pulling him away from the sink and into a slow dance around the kitchen island. 

“Alexander! Wet! Wet hands—“ John squeaks our through a giggle as they dance. 

“I don’t care about your wet hands just dance with me.” 

John laughs and starts singing along with the radio 

_“Decorations of red, on a green Christmas tree, won’t be the same dear if you’re not here with me.”_

Laf comes in and coughs loudly, his arms full with the rest of the dishes 

“As cute as this is mes amies, we are almost done with the dishes then you can continue your beautiful dance.” 

* * *

After all the dishes were done, and leftovers were packed, and Martha made it 100% clear that John will not be sleeping at his home alone while his family is away, which was fine. He was exhausted. Laf gave him a set of pajamas, and a towel for a shower. 

After his shower he retreated to the guest room where Alex was sitting on the bed waiting for him, already in his pajamas. 

“Hi.” John mumbled as he climbed onto the bed, resting his head in Alex’s lap. 

“Hi. I hope today wasn’t too overwhelming. I just wouldn’t forgive myself if you stayed home alone.” Alex says as he starts running his fingers through his damp curls softly, but John could feel his uncertainty.

John just smiles and leans into his touch. “'S okay. Thank you. Liked it.” 

Alex began scratching his head softly and John quickly lulled to sleep, tired from the talking and stress of the day. And he was warm. He was welcomed. He was loved.

He was _home_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this chapter is early, if we're talking Holidays, but ur not the boss of us. THANKS VIC FOR SOME ADORABLE CUTENESS!!! Take this as a warning for next chapter lovies! Please please leave a comment! Or say hi on tumblr (@thekookiestkandi @yosoytriste). But I (Kam) am a slut for comments, they bring me so much joy =DD Happy falllll!!!


	13. Nine of Swords

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories, Debate, and Meltdowns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Panic Attack

**December 1 - First day of School - Countless days of self-doubt**

John remembered waking up in the hospital. Vividly. Everything was vivid. He'd been told "It's okay if you don't remember, etc. etc." But everything was bright and vivid and clear. He remembered his mouth feeling full of cotton. He remembered that murky-water feeling, like everything was behind frosted glass. He remembered Alex's voice. Great Gatsby. He remembered Alex's face when he was coherent enough to understand, but unable to respond. The fear, the anger. Alex had been so afraid. John had been so afraid.

The fear never left. It stuck around. Some days were better than others. Some days it was just a gentle gnawing at his brainstem- _They only stick around because they feel sorry for you._

Other days it was all-consuming. Made him feel heavy and slow, his tongue felt thick. Words took more effort than a marathon on those days. _Pathetic. Two words. You can say two damn words._

Fear had always been a part of him. From a young age, John was shy. Introverted. The kind of kid who, at nine years old, still hid behind his mother's leg at parties. The kind of kid who would hole up in his room to avoid the chaos of family. But today...

Well, today was different. Nothing compared to the fear of going someplace familiar after everything had changed. Sure, he'd done it before: Going home, to the Washington's for the first time, the movies, out for lunch. All of those things felt so different now. As if it were a completely different activity than before. Feelings of joy and warmth were often replaced by that cold, dead, fear. And today was no different. Today, he was done waking up at 3pm every day. Today he had to put on his uniform again. Today he had to pack his backpack, make himself a sandwich. Things everyone else his age was doing every day, without a second thought. And all John could feel was dread.

Nadia drove him, the ride silent and awkward. She shouted well wishes at him as he exited, feeling like a proud mother. John hiked his backpack straps up, the students around him swarming. They had to all be screaming at the top of their lungs. It was so _loud._

Then he felt a slap on his shoulder. "John! Glad to see ya back!" Hercules said, always a joyful presence. John jumped, but smiled warmly, finding the whole group of friends to be running toward him. Alex pulled him into a crushing hug.

"You ready?" He asked, and John shook his head _no, no no nonono._

Alex pulled back, grabbing John's hand, "I'm here. We'll be okay."

* * *

John was able to sneak into his first period class without any focus being put on him, his teacher just nodding at him as he entered. Mr. Franklin was always a great teacher, and his wife even sent a casserole to his family while he was in the hospital. It was a nice gesture. US history came and went and John was able to just sit there, and take notes. Every few minutes Laf would throw a worried glance back to him, then soften when John smiled back to him. Maybe today would be bearable. 

Between classes he and Alex met for a quick hug, a chat, and a reassuring squeeze to Johns arm. 

“Text me if you need me, okay?” Alex mumbles into Johns shoulder during their hug, to which John just nods. All these months later, Alex was still so calming to John, he somehow took all of Johns anxieties and silenced them. Every hug, every arm squeeze, they grounded him. 

second period flew by, John has study hall, so it was spent checking his email and working on the makeup work he was given from Mr. Franklin. In the back of his head he felt the anxiety building up for his next class, debate with Mr. Frederick. He hated that class, he hates Mr. Frederick, and he hates debate. His one solace is that Nadia promised she sent an email to all of his teachers about him and not putting him in the spotlight for speaking, along with a signed letter from Dr. Day saying the same thing. Maybe today will be okay. 

* * *

From the minute John walked in Mr. Fredericks class he should've known some fuckery was going on today. The two podiums were set up at the front of the room, and John felt his gut twist.

_It’s okay they can debate and you just are a spectator. Dr. Day sent the note. Nadia sent a note. It’s okay it’s okay it’s okay._

The bell rang as John took his seat in the back row. Even before the accident John sat in the farthest possible seat in the class, he just hated Mr. Frederick. 

The man was a worm of men, no spine, just a plain old dingy teacher who’s life goal was to make students lives hell. 

Mr. Frederick stood from his desk and wrote “MOCK DEBATE DAY” on the board, then turned to the audience of students 

“Good morning class, let’s get started shall we? Any volunteers for the debate?” 

John felt his breath catch in his throat, and began to slide down in his desk, hiding his face. 

“If no one volunteers I’ll have to do a number call.” 

The silence stayed thick in the classroom as no one wanted to volunteer. Mr. Frederick just sighs and turns back to his laptop, which is being projected onto the whiteboard. He opens up a random number generator and starts it up. The number 13 pops up on the screen, and Charles Lee groans throwing his head back. 

“Come on up Mr. Lee, let’s see who your debate opponent will be.” 

Charles begrudgingly climbs out of his desk and leans on one of the podiums, waiting for Mr. Frederick to call the second student. 

He clicks the number generator again and 26 pops up. John looks down shakily to his desk and sees the number in front of him as well. 

_Fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK-_

He took a steadying breath, thinking that maybe Mr. Fredrick had (in)conveniently forgotten. He could fix this. He raised a shaky hand, but when acknowledged the words felt empty.

_"I can't."_ He said, his voice strained and unsure. Many people caught on the that warble, the slightly slurred diction. That warble that he _hated_ because it made him all the more other.

"Excuse me?" Mr. Fredrick said, setting down a stack of handouts, "I don't remember asking, Mr. Laurens."

Oh God. John froze, his hands twitching in motions he couldn't describe, words he couldn't express. His throat was closing. His hands were shaking. _You're fine, boy speak up._

He felt the tears in his eyes, prickling, painful, _weak._

"Mr. Laurens, I would advise you to stop making a scene. Do I need to call down to the disciplinary off-"

"No!" John shouted before the word could register.

"John!" Mr. Fredrick scolded, "What's the matter with you?!"

_What's the matter with you?!_

_What_ **_is_ ** _the matter with me?_

Next thing he knew his legs were sending him careening down the hallway. He'd never run so fast before.

He heard shouting, vaguely registered his name.

Oh god.

Henry would kill him.

He ran and he ran and he ran until he couldn't anymore, finding himself lost in the hallways. Disoriented. Spinning spinning spinningspinningspinning

He fell to the floor, gasping for air. More tears. _Pathetic excuse for a son. Just another reason you can't you can't you can't_

He couldn't breathe. Every time he tried it was just another strangled sob, a gasp, a yelp. His throat was closing oh god no _no no I'm dying again I'm dying again again again again_

The heels of his hands dug bruisingly hard into his eyes, his fingers tangled in his wad of curls. His whole body felt numb and tingly.

Floating.

Floating.

Floating.

He heard someone speaking from above him, saying his name. They knew his name??

They touched his knee, his shoulder, he screamed.

He didn't remember much beyond that. He didn't remember how he got here, in the sterile nurse's office with soft, squishy earplugs in his ears and the curtain pulled.

He felt heavy. Sleepy. Like his whole body had become part of the earth- or rather the cot he was balled up on. He swallowed, his tongue feeling heavy and dry in his mouth. His jaw felt wired shut. His throat hurt, from screaming, he supposed.

In any other case he would have been mortified, absolutely humiliated. But right now he couldn't even bring himself to feel.

What he did feel was this: He wanted Alex. Alex promised he would help him, and now he needs help and- wait, where was his phone? His backpack?

Didn't matter. He was meant to be alone. He deserved it, especially after making so much trouble. He swallowed, his body reminding him how raw his throat was. He closed his eyes and drifted off.

* * *

Alex was seated in Mr. Frederick’s class next period, first row, as always. It’s been an incredibly boring period, as he isn’t allowed to debate anymore after making Samuel cry at the start of the year. He’s been religiously checking his phone all day, and John seems to be doing fine, which the cynic in him is very doubtful about but Alex just pushes that voice down, _if he hasn’t texted he’s okay. He said he’d text._ His phone has been vibrating non stop in his pocket though, the one time he pulled it out to check, it was just Peggy in the group chat. Mr. Frederick had seen him and threatened to take his phone the next time he sees it, but Alex wasn't worried. Peggy has a free period at this time and usually blows up the group chat. 

_“_ Alexander, can you get the pamphlets off the printer in the back, please?” Mr. Frederick calls from his desk, too lazy to get up on his own. Alex just gets up, rolling his eyes, and heads for the printer in the back of the room. As he passes the last row of desks, where only one student sits today, he sees a familiar backpack abandoned there... it’s a unique backpack, white in color and music notes and staff lines doodled on it, as if it was sheet music., the front pocket decked out with little hot topic buttons and enamel pins. This— 

This is John's backpack. It was unmistakable. One of a kind. Which could only mean—

_Oh fuck, fuck fuck... FUCK_

_“_ Sometime today Mr. Hamilton.” Mr. Frederick says without looking up from his computer. Alex grabs the backpack with shaky hands and slings it on his shoulder. He has to find him. He wouldn't just _leave that_ here. Not _here._ John hates this class.

He rushes to pick up his bag and sling that on his shoulder as well— Mr. Frederick wouldn’t even notice, nor did he care really— and thrusts the papers to him. 

“I have to go to the nurse I’m gonna throw up,” he lies, knowing where John may most likely be.

Mr. Frederick never wrote a note faster; there’s nothing he hates more than puke. 

* * *

Alex is reading through the texts as he runs across campus to the front office, making him actually nauseated.

**Peg:** _I just found him in the hallway, freaking the fuck out! He couldn’t hear me, he wouldn't answer._

**Peg:** _I fucked up, I shouldn’t have touched him I know but I was so scared I didn’t know what to do????_

**Eliza:** _it’s not your fault Peggy pls calm down. He’ll be okay. What did you do? Where are you. Where's he?_

**Peg:** _you know Ben Talmadge? The senior in my home EC class? He was going to the library and I was freaking out because John was freaking out and I just... literally accosted him to come help me and he carried John to the nurse._

**Herc:** _you left him alone with the nurse!?!_

Alex didn’t care to read anymore, he just ran across the courtyard, out of breath, out of shape, carrying two full ass backpacks.

He slid into the office, like a batter onto home base, practically jogging into the nurses office, thrusting the note at her. 

“You don’t look like you’re going to throw up. Are you just trying to get out of class Mr. Hamilton?” She says, looking down the end of her nose to read the note, then back up to Alex over her glasses. 

“Please, please I just have to lay down for a second. I’m begging.” Alex says, bouncing on his heels softly. 

**_“Coach Rochambeau to nurse Rodriguez we have a code 1217. Broken arm on the track field.”_** A scratchy voice came through the walkie talkie strapped to her hip. She sighs and gets up, pushing Alex towards the door. 

“I’m sorry, I’ve got to go, I’ll let you sit in the office but I don’t believe you’re actually sick. I’m not forcing you to go to class.” She says as she jogs off towards the track. 

Alex sighs and tries the doorknob, knowing it’s locked. Alex can feel panic rising in his stomach, focus. Focus. 

He looks around and the desk secretary is sitting at her usual spot, watching him. She’s an older African American woman, plump and sweet. She smiles softly. 

“He’s in there. You looking for him?” she says, her soft southern accent slipping through. 

He nods softly, not needing to specify who 'he' was. She gets up, looking through her key ring. 

“That poor boy, he screamed for nearly an hour," _I should have been there..._ "The way you ran through that courtyard for him, I think you need him as much as he needs you.” 

She pops the door open, and let’s him in. 

“If Vanessa asks, she left the door unlocked I didn’t let you in.” She says, nods and walks away.

Alex pulls back the curtain surrounding a cot quietly, and sighs a breath of relief when he sees John sleeping. He brushed a stray curl away from his cheek and was startled when John's eyes shot open in a panic. Alex jumped back as John's arm swung.

When John finally saw him, his face crumpled.

_Oh god I could've hit him oh god oh god_

"John! John hey, it's just me... Don't- don't, Jack..."

He was too far gone. He was dying again. Alex was angry. He was going to hurt him. He could've hurt him. He was he was he was he was

"John?" Alex said, reaching for his hand. John snatched it back, tears clogging his throat. Alex blinked, processing. _Right, no touching then._ "Jack? Can you takes some breaths for me?"

John shook his head violently, gasping "I can't I can't I can't-" but it wasn't even speaking. It was breathing. It was...

Terrifying.

Terrifying to watch. Alex had never seen him break down like this. Not even right as this started. Alex felt helpless. What was he supposed to do? He couldn't talk to him. He couldn't touch him. John couldn't hear him.

John stared at him with wide, frightened eyes.

Alex took a steadying breath, "You don't have to do anything Jack. You don't have to say anything... I'm just. I'm here."

He saw John gulp, then wince, then inhale, then nod. He made room for Alex to sit on the little green cot.

Alex cautiously scooted next to him. "Can I touch you now? I really want to hug you..." He asked, a little sheepish.

John kind of smiled, mostly in his eyes, but shook his head, "S-Sooorry... I can't."

Alex once again sighed, sitting on his hands.

"I'm so, so, _so_ sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I should've been there..."

John felt another wave of tears. _That's not your job. You don't_ ** _have_** _to be sorry. This is not your fault. If anything I wouldn't have ever gotten this far without you._

But the words just dissipated.

"Shit, Jack, don't cry-"

John just shook his head, covering his face with his hands. _It's okay it's OKAY just tell him it's OKAY!!_

Alex took a shaky breath, hoping this was enough. Hoping he was enough.

"I can't stay long," Alex said after a few silent minutes, "I can't get in trouble. But I'll stop by your house later, I promise."

John whimpered and nodded.

"Okay... Love you," He whispered, slowly gathering his things.

* * *

Nadia picked up John not long after that, agreeing silently to not tell Henry what happened today, which calmed John down a fraction of an ounce. He’d been in bed since he got home at noon, Alex occasionally texting but John couldn’t find the energy to respond. Everything was heavy, his brain was heavy in his head, his limbs were too heavy to lift, even to text, his soul was too heavy in his chest... 

* * *

Nadia brought him the occasional snack, or just checked up on him. Nothing much had changed. He’s staring at the ceiling like he was an hour, two, three hours ago. She should call Dr. Day. She should be a better parental figure. 

A soft knock at the front door takes her out of her thoughts. She peeks through the peep hole to see Alex fidgeting on her front step, twisting the straps of his backpack.

She unlocks the door and smiles softly 

“Hello Alex, I don’t think he’s up for visitors right now.” 

Alex just rolls his eyes and steps in, not really waiting for an invitation 

“I’m not a visitor. He knows I’m coming anyway.” 

She just nods, some worry still resting on her face. 

Alex strides in, his gait confident but his face clearly indicating the extent of his anxieties, "He's not down here?" He asks, peering around the living room, not seeing him on the couch.

"In his room, hun," Nadia supplied.

Alex nodded curtly and ran up the stairs, knocking gently on the door. Nothing. He peeped in, "Jack? You decent?" He joked, but the laughter quickly disappeared.

John's eyes were glazy and teary, staring straight at the door, making Alex want to cry himself. He gasped a silent "Oh..."

John turned toward him, lip quivering. Alex strode over, plopping his bag on the floor, "Oh Jack," he said softly, "It was that bad?"

_No. No. It wasn't even that bad, and look at me. Look at_ **_this._ ** _This is what happens when you send me out to do easy things._

_I break._

Alex leaned forward and kissed his forehead- er, tried to. John turned out of the way, narrowly missing a head collision. Alex felt his heart pang, "John?"

Nn.. No..."

"No?"

"No... Broken."

Alex gasped, "No! No, Jack, you're note broken, you just weren't ready. That's all."

John turned back to face him and scowled, shaking his head, "Look... Look!"he said gesturing to himself, "Broken, you... leave. Leave me."

Alex let out a frustrated grunt, "John, we aren't doing this. You know how much I care about you. Okay? You're not broken, you're healing. And I would never leave you for having a sucky day, okay?"

John smiles a little, somewhat at himself for being so ridiculous, "Yes..."

Alex smiled, "Good. Now!! I brought some snacks, or we could watch a movie, but I really want to lay with you now. If that's okay? I know you didn't want the- the touching earlier, but I just-"

John sat up and hugged him tight. All squeezy and warm, "Yes."

Alex pulled back and gave him a kiss on the nose, "I still have the Schuyler's Netflix password."

John smacked him on the shoulder, playfully glaring, "Alexander!"

And they both laughed, a wonderful, melodious sound. And for another minute, everything was okay.

They would try again tomorrow.

And the next day.

Until John could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry.
> 
> PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS IT'S WHAT I LIVE FOR!! 
> 
> -Kam
> 
> P.S. This chapter was co-authored, thanks Vic!!


	14. Five of Pentacles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An Appointment, A Flashback, A Meltdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short blip of a chapter from yours truly (Kam), but TW: Nonverbal Panic Attacks, Suicidal Ideology, Mentions of Death.

**Date Unknown - Dr. Jessica Day's Office - Part One of Day One of a Turnaround**

The car pulled to a stop and Nadia looked over at John, smiling. "Okay! I'll be back in an hour to scoop you up, okay? Enjoy your session!" She said, her voice lilting, knowing the last part of her sentence was weird and awkward. John gave her that same tight-lipped smile, the polite one, and climbed out.

She sighed, watching John sulk off into the office suites.

Dr. Day quickly wiped her table down, knowing John would be there any minute. She heard the little chime on her phone letter her know that her next appointment was starting. As if perfectly on time, John scampers in and throws himself onto her velvet couch, face down. 

"So that's how we're gonna start today?" Dr. Day says with a chuckle, moving from her desk chair to the couch next to him, moving his legs softly to make room for herself. She rubs his back softly, waiting for him to calm down, or turn over and yell, or to even just look at her. 

Maybe that was a mistake, a wrong wish, because when John does finally turn over, his face snaps Dr. Days heart. 

He is not crying, no, And that's fine, she'd prefer tears to this, to this neutral expression. 

This shell of a boy she's known. 

This mask he has on, over a hollow shell of who he was. the light from his eyes that usually twinkled is gone. 

"John, you're scaring me... please talk to me." 

John just stared blankly, kind of shook his head. a single motion.

"John?" A blink, a frown, a furrowed brow. "What's going on?"

_Henry seethed, slamming his phone on the counter and screaming for John. John nearly fell as he clamored down the stairs, "Why the fuck am I getting voicemails from the school nurse saying you ran out of class?"_

_"I-"_

_"Shut up," Henry snapped, "Do you have any idea how_ **_embarrassing_ ** _you are Jack? Having to lie about why you're never around? Having to fucking translate your gibberish? You're not fucking dumb, I didn't raise an idiot. And I didn't raise a coward. Bolting out of class... I don't believe it!" His eyes are bulging, his jaw shaking with disgust. Henry was always disgusted, "Not only that, but then you fucking manipulated Nadia into coming to get you. Are you that fucking sick? You're so desperate for attention you force her to pick you up from school because you don't feel like participating?"_

_John, oddly enough, didn't feel fear in this moment, just sadness. He disappointed father again. How could he explain that he had no control? That his legs just took him? That he was dying?_

_"Do you know how much money I have to pay to put you in a school like that Jack? A lot of fucking money. Honestly, I shouldn't even waste it on you anymore, since you're stupid now, apparently."_

_"Dad I c-"_

_"I said_ **_shut up._ ** _Don't sit here and act like you can't speak and then try and defend yourself. What is it Jacky? Can you talk or not?"_

_"I sorry!"_

_"No! Can 'sorry' pay tuition? Can 'sorry' fix_ **_my_ ** _reputation that you're ruining? God, John, why is always about you? You're a fucking embarrassment. God Jack, sometimes I just wish that truck had gone ahead and finished the job. Get out of my sight."_

_John couldn't turn fast enough._

_"Another call like this and I'll give you a reason not to talk." Henry barked as John ran up the stairs._

_"Nadia!" He heard Henry screech._

_Great, now he's got Nadia in trouble too._

_They argued for hours. He could hear Nadia crying. Something large and metal crashed to the floor, followed by something glass not much later._

_Nadia left. She didn't come back until she had to take John to his appointment the next day._

**_This is your fault._ **

Dr. Day was trying not to let this shake her. Seeing that blank, scared stare was jarring, especially for someone as resilient as John.

One tear, large and heavy, formed and rolled down his temple, making a dark spot on the velvet couch.

"Can you answer me, hun? Let me know you're okay?"

Dr. Day didn't know if she should get up, if she was the one thing anchoring him to the couch. She decided she needed to move fast, and came back quickly to his side with the iPad in tow, ProLoQuo already open and booted.

"Will this make it easier? John, I need you to talk to me so I can help you, please." 

John's gaze flitted to the tablet, a glimpse of him shining through his eyes as he reached for it timidly.

A sigh of relief.

He just pressed "No" and set it back down.

Too soon.

"Why 'no'?"

Still stoic, John just looked away.

The rest of the hour passed like molasses, Dr. Day only able to squeeze one or two more words out. He just... sat there. All she had to go off of was Nadia's vague email about a school incident.

When she asked about it, John just shut down further, shaking his head and rocking back and forth, back and forth...

When she asked if someone hurt him, he shook his head violently.

When she asked if someone made fun of him, he didn't answer at all. Not even a change in body language.

It was frightening. John was usually so expressive.

When she asked how Alex was doing, hoping to lighten the mood, John clenched his jaw and said, "No" again.

It was 10:30 now, no progress having been made, and John simply got up.

And left.

He slammed the car door shut, curled forward and cried.

_**I wish the truck had finished the job too.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOPS!! Luv ya bunches~
> 
> Pls leave comments, they're my life force.
> 
> Kisses, 
> 
> Kandi


	15. The Hanging Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Progress, slumber parties, and a cry for help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Undiagnosed PTSD, nightmares, graphic descriptions of violence, shouting, cursing, all the bad stuff. This one's rough guys.

**Continuation of previous chapter - Part Two of Day one of a Turnaround**

Nadia didn't have the time to speak when John entered the car. He just cried and cried and cried and gasped and wheezed and choked.

Nadia chews her lip, unsure of how to proceed. She wanted to do something. Touch him, hug him, but she knew he'd been jumpy ever since that day at school. She took a breath and steadied herself. _He needs you._

He placed a firm, gentle hand on John back, rubbing in a way she hoped was grounding of soothing. "Shhh.. Shh... you're okay. You're okay."

She heard some garbled words, sounding an awful like "I'm sorry". John's favorite phrase.

She just kept repeating reassurances until he could collect himself enough to sit up straight. Or sag against the seat more like.

"I left my purse at home by mistake, so I'll have to stop and grab it before I drop you off, okay kiddo?"

John just shrugged, relaxing further into the chair.

Nadia kept looking over at him throughout the drive, making John turn away from her.

As the car pulled to a stop, Nadia sighed, "You wanna grab a snack or something? Come inside and wash your face? Freshen up?"

John, to her surprise, nodded, and and stepped out of the car. John kicked off his shoes and jogged up the stairs as quickly as he could. Nadia supposed he wanted to have a moment to collect his thoughts.

She located her purse, grabbing a seltzer from the refrigerator.

"Nadia?" Henry's voice.

Huh. What's he doing here?

"Yeah?" She said searching for the source of his calling.

Henry stepped into the kitchen, "What are you doing back? I thought you were going out?"

Nadia regarded him, speaking gently, "I had to take John to speech therapy, I left my purse."

"That was him stomping up the stairs?" Henry accused.

Nadia bit her tongue, nodding, knowing this was just Henry trying to start something.

"What's he doing here?"

"Freshening up for school."

"You really need to stop giving he so much leeway. He's never going to learn."

Nadia blanched, "Learn what?"

"To stop fucking trying to get out of things because of something that happened months ago. Making fucking excuses for him..."

She scoffed, "Excuse me? His brain will be _permanently_ damaged. If it weren't for these sessions he might not even be speaking!? Why can't you get that through your head? Do you think he wants to be miserable? You think he _chooses_ this?"

Henry snarled. Oh shit. "Another fucking excuse! Are you really that stupid?!"

Nadia's eyes went wide. Henry had never taken that tone with her before. "Henry, you cannot speak to me like that."

Henry's eyes went dark. Nadia felt... afraid. _This must be how John feels all the time._ "He's going to be even later for school, we have to go," she said, turning on her heel as quickly as she could.

John teetered down the stairs after her, stealing a glance at his father, then scurrying out the door.

John felt a newfound appreciation for Nadia, the only other person to defend him besides Alexander. He hugged her quickly as he ran into the school building, Doctor's Note in hand.

John walked into Mr. Fredrick's class, worried about exactly how late he had been from his appointment. _It's fine, you have a tardy pass. You have a physical doctor's note. It won't happen again. It won't happen again._

He walked as confidently as he could up to the desk, but both he and Mr. Fredrick were very aware of how his hand was shaking.

Mr. Fredrick read the notes, giving him a once-over, "Fine, you're excused, but next time I'm going to need one of _these_ -" he waved the note condescendingly, " to excuse you."

John gritted his teeth, pointing to the "notes" line on his note from Dr. Day, clearly reading 'until further notice' in her pretty light blue pen.

Mr. Fredrick seemed more upset at this, which John would never understand, "Fine, I'll have some bookwork for you, stay after class."

John smiled, _actually smiled_ , at the news of bookwork, and happily sauntered off to this back row desk. Maybe today wouldn't suck.

Fourth period was easy enough. The teacher was decent enough to understand that John was probably not going to participate much. He was practically bouncing up and down as lunch hour approached.

As soon as it did, John bolted to their usually seat as fast as he could, beaming when he saw Hercules and Eliza wander in.

"Hey!" Eliza chirped, flopping down into the seat to his left. He waved.

He was content to watch the conversation bounce as he waited for Alexander.

Alexander was considerably late, and John noted the stack of manila folders in his arms. John's brow furrowed in a question, "Helping Mr. Fredrick with some stuff for extra credit."

John rolled his eyes dramatically.

Alex sighed, changing the subject, "How was your appointment?" He reached for John's hand when he went tense, "That's okay. We've had a rough week, yeah?"

John nodded, resting his forehead on Alex's shoulder. This caught the attention of a few of the others at the table. Lafayette had teased them, John didn't hear, just at up straight as soon as someone said anything.

The look Alex gave was menacing.

John, along with the Schulyers, agreed to meet at the Washingtons' brick front for a movie that night, and he started to really feel that sense of normalcy. Shitty teachers, homework, dating, hanging out with friends. The laughed at the fact that something so... typical teenager-y made him feel so much joy and belonging. He belonged again.

* * *

John opted for shooting a text to Nadia, explaining he’d be at the Washington’s after school for movie night and will be back late tonight

She sent back a k with a heart emoji. 

This morning was a crazy ride for John, but for once he felt something other than absolute, disgusting indifference towards her. 

Not _love_

But, perhaps... allyship? A new appreciation that he couldn’t quite identify yet. 

* * *

The night progressed quickly, Alex insisted on watching The Great Gatsby, despite John insisting they should watch a group favorite, not just his. Then Hercules picked Moana. Everyone fell asleep pretty quickly after that, all buried in blankets and snuggled together. 

That’s everyone— except Angelica. 

She looked up from the credits of the movie to find everyone asleep, eyes flirting over all of her friends. 

Her eyes landed on John, he stirred in his sleep, face scrunched up, almost in pain. Nightmare? He jerks his head quickly and his curls fly off of his face, revealing his prominent scar. It’s thick and jagged, she can even seen where the staples had held the gash closed, clear white dots along the scar. 

She can feel the bile rising in her throat, if she just paid attention, if she just didn’t drive, if she just.. 

Wasn’t a fucking idiot. 

She’s instantly up running to the front door, she just needs air she needs to breath fuck fuck FUCK. 

She throws up in the Washington’s rose bush, and sits in the grass, trying to steady herself. 

* * *

John stretches softly, feeling a draft sneak into the warm house. He gets up softly, trying not to disturb Alex, who was dead to the world askew for once. 

He sneaks out from under the blanket, noticing Angelica was gone. 

He follows the cold air sneaking in the house to find the front door left cracked open. 

He pulls his jacket on quietly and slips out of the open door. He sees Angelica before she hears him come out, she’s sitting with her head on her knees- chest rattling sobs coming from her. John can smell the stench of stomach acid and sits next to her. 

Her head snaps up, and her face shatters Johns heart. 

Angelica, the strong one, the tough one, the beat-you-up-over-a-french-fry friend 

Absolutely broken. Her face reddened and tear streaked. Her eyelashes sticking together as she sniffles. 

“S’wrong?” John squeaks out, taking her hand and squeezing it tightly in his. 

She takes a shaky breath and forces a smile 

“Nothing.” 

John nudged her and rolled his eyes, knowing she’s lying. 

“Tell.” He said seriously. 

Angelica sighed and looked down, "It's not important..."

"Is important," John pressed, looking around, "Sick?"

She gulped, waiting to see if he would just go away, but he held strong, "Uh... no. Not really."

John just cocked his head to the side, waiting for an answer with a patient smile.

She scanned his face. John was always so _kind._ Even after what she'd done, he still treated her with so much love and respect.

_She didn't deserve it._

"John it's really nothing-"

"Not nothing. This... This nooot nothing." The confidence in his words was new. More barbs in her heart.

"Why don't you hate me?" She blurted, the words running from her brain and out her mouth before she could stop them.

John looked at her as if she'd made some kind of absurd joke at first, his eyebrows rising up almost to his hairline _god that scar_ , his eyes wide and an almost-smile playing at his lips. Then he realized she was serious.

"Wha?"

"I did this to you. You should hate me, right?"

"Not true!"

"Yeah it is! I fucking drove the car, I didn't look to see if it was coming and now you're... you're this! You're like this and I'm the cause of it all! And yet here I am, throwing myself a fucking pity party!"

"Ang-"

"No! Shut up!" She shouted, clenching her fists.

John's chest went ice cold. _shutupshutupshutup NO-_ He had to be here for her. He just swallowed thickly and let her continue.

"I don't fucking deserve your pity. Do you know I haven't slept? Because every time I close my eyes I see-"

She froze, pulling her hand from John's grasp, "I see you. But not... not you now. You... mangled and... bloody. Your hair all red and sticky because there was so much blood on your face that I couldn't see you. I see the little bits of glass. I always remember this one piece... Right by your eye, I thought it was in your eye for a sec, but it was just really close... right on your nose."

John leaned back a little as she pointed to it, a little scar-ish bump he hadn't noticed before.

She let out a little scoff, "Isn't it funny? You were the one who almost died and I'm the one who's getting nightmares. I'm the one who can't sleep at night. I'm the one begging for help and.. you... you're just... fucking here. You just get to fucking _move on_ don't you?!"

She turned back toward him, hearing her own words too late.

John's eyes filled with tears.

"No," He whispered, "No... move on. Me too. Night- Niiightmmmm... dream. Bad, scared... I-I..." He caught himself, not wanting to contribute to her meltdown with his own.

_That, and he actually can't fucking talk you absolute idiot,_ Angelica thought to herself.

"Wait, John-" He stood up.

"No. I can... move on." He assured her.

"Wait please, I'm sorry don't- don't go please, please!"

John must've taken pity on her, because he didn't move. Just stared down at where she sat.

"T-T...Tell...'Liza, yeah. Gotta... um... Nn..." She could see him struggling finding the words. She was practically watching them take form, then dissipate on his tongue, dissolving into wordless sounds.

"Liza," he said again, turning on his heel.

She grabbed his wrist. She didn't mean to, it just happened.

She jumped to her feet, "Don't, she won't understand."

"Bullshit," John snapped, pulling at his arm.

Angelica squeezed tighter, ignoring the fear on his face, "Don't. Do it."

John was trembling. Would Angelica hurt him? _Could she?_

"You... talk... someone. Anyone. Or I tell. Okay?"

"John I-"

"Okay?!" He shouted, tears now running freely down his face.

"Fine," She seethed, releasing John's arm, tossing it violently.

He rubbed at his wrist and made his way back up the stairs.

He opened the door, but paused, and said one last thing:

"I'm... so sorry."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Teehee
> 
> Plz comment or Kandi will parish (not rlly but it do feel like that sometimes)


	16. Wheel Of Fortune Reversed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Therapy, Tears, and Star Wars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ITS LATE WE KNOW

**January 12 - The Snowball Effect - Dr. Day's Office**

“John, it’s okay honey just take your time.”

John rakes his hand through his hair and sighs, taking a deep breath.

He looks down to the page Dr. day slid in front of him, a picture of a house, a dog and a person standing in the driveway.

“Just try again, what's in the picture?”

John takes a deep breath.

_Dog, house, person. That’s it John. That’s fucking it._

“D—dooooog. Dog.”

Dr. Day nods happily. “Good Job! What else?”

“H—hhhhhh. Hay. No— h” _come ON JOHN! how are you going fucking backwards!? H-O-U-S-E. This is too damn easy. What the fuck._

His hands instantly fly up to his hair, fingers twisting around curls and tugging softly. _Come on come on come on_

“H—-hhhhh” he sighs banging the palms of his hands against his head

_Please please please. Just work just fucking work just say the word HOUSE. HOUSE HOUSE HOUSE._

Dr. Days soft hands come up and pull his hands away from his head softly, strong and sturdy.

“John, please. Let’s just stop for today, you’re okay.”

John shakes his head quickly “c-caaaan. Can do it.”

Dr. Day rubs his back softly and smiles. “I know you can, and I’m so proud of all the progress you’ve made so far. Progress isn’t linear and I can tell you’re having a bad day and that’s okay, there’s always tomorrow.”

John frowned, _but he did it last time. He did the then, and he wanted to do it today, not tomorrow,_ "Not tomorrow. Ton-nn.. today."

Dr. Day blinked. "John I don't think-"

"No! No- I caan't. Dad. No. I have- have to-ooh.."

"John... It's okay. It's fine to have a rough day."

"Always rough day," He muttered, darkness coming over his face.

Dr. Day collects the images and holds them close to her chest.

“John. I know you’re upset, I can see that. They’re not always rough days, some days are amazing! You have such good days and some days are like today. That’s okay, it’s balance.”

He sighs again and nods, feeling defeated.

“Tomorrow is a new day, and you know what?”

“Hmm?” John acknowledges her, meeting her eyes for the first time in the meeting

“I’m proud of you either way. You come here everyday and you work hard every damn day. I’m _so_ Proud of you.”

* * *

John stews in the words the whole ride home. He doesn’t answer any of Nadia’s questions, he doesn’t even check his phone. She has no right to be proud of him.

What exactly has he done except waste her time, waste Nadia’s time, waste his fathers money, and deteriorate in progress?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

He just slinks into the house and into his room silently. Luckily his father isn’t home, and Nadia never pushes him to talk.

Nadia sighs and picks up her phone quietly, scrolling until she finds Martha’s phone number, they traded numbers a while ago when the boys first began to get close and it was a just in case scenario.

After a few rings, Martha’s cheery voice popped into the receiver

“Hello Nadia! Is everything okay?”

Nadia is always taken aback by her cheeriness.

“Oh— hello Martha. I was just wondering if you could send Alex over? John had a bad day and I know Alex has a way to cheer John up if you don’t mind.”

Martha smiles on her side of the phone, almost radiating through the receiver

“Oh of course, it’s so sweet of you to think to call.”

Nadia laughs shakily, she always is so anxious to talk to Martha. Martha is really like the patron mother and Nadia is still a kid herself it feels, but she does appreciate Martha saying that.

“Thank you, I’m trying.”

“I know sweetheart, Alex will be over soon.”

* * *

John lays in bed, silently staring up at the ceiling when Alex knocks on the door softly. Over the months, John has learned his knock. Nadia’s knock is usually timid, and rhythmic, Henry doesn’t knock, and Alexander’s knock is strong, determined. Just three short raps.

“in.” Is all John can muster himself to reply.

Alexander comes in, in an old flannel button up that’s open, a white shirt and dusty old jeans. It makes John smile, something about the casual “lumberjack look” pops in his head, and he giggles.

Alex raises a brow, smirking, "What's so funny?"

John opens his mouth _your outfit._ He feels the air leave his mouth, the traces of any words leaving with it. Alex watches the smile leave John's face as he focuses on forming the words.

Alex gives him a few moments to struggle with it before reaching for John's phone, pulling out Proloquo. He slides the phone across the bed.

The glare he receives as a result could kill.

"Don't. Need." John said through gritted teeth.

Alex blinked, "Sorry. I just... you had something to say. I just want to hear you, John."

"Hear? Hear Me? No. Not heeearrr me. Har... he-ar..." John's chest rose and fell with building rage, and the words spun in his head like gulls. Unreachable and frightening and he just wanted to get away away away, "H-heeeaaaar, this!" He shouted, snatching the phone away. "Not - no me no?? Uhn. Alexander!"

Alex sighed through his nose, pressing a hand to his temple, "Look John I'm just trying to communicate here. I know you had a rough day. Why don't we do something else?"

John's eyes narrowed, his chin quivering with anger. _Communicate? COMMUNICATE!? That's exactly what I'm fucking failing to do. I don't want the goddamn machine. I want you to hear me. Please, please hear me._

"Hear... me..." John said, his voice barely a whisper.

Alex deflated, "John. If you don't want me to be here I'll leave."

In the moment John panicked. _No don't LEAVE just LISTEN._ "Okay. Go."

Alex froze. _Okay. Go._ The words echoed in his mind. He lingered a moment, standing.

"You really want me to leave?"

John shrugged. _What are you doing?!?_

"I know you don't have another outlet for... this. I don't want to leave if you need me here."

John gulped, trying to rationalize his mind, "Uh... just... a minute. Please? M'self?"

Alex repeated, double checking, "You need a sec to regroup?"

"M-Mhm."

"Okay." Alex whispered, walking out and shutting the door quietly.

* * *

Alex made his way downstairs, his brows creasing deeply in a frown.

This surprised Nadia. He'd expected the two of them to be all over each other by now.

She peered around the wall separating the kitchen from the rest of the open family-dining-office area, "Everything okay?"

Alex jumped, startled, "Uh, well... I don't know. He's mad at me."

Nadia felt that familiar uncertainty curl in her gut, "Mad? What about?"

"I tried to-" Alex to a breath, calming his own sensitivities, "He was trying to tell me something. He was laughing and he couldn't tell me what was funny. So I... I pulled out the-the app thing. And he got really upset. Something about not being able to hear him? I don't know why he hates the damned thing so much. I just wanna understand, you know?"

Nadia hummed in agreement, nodding gently.

"So he said he needed a minute alone. And... here I am. Failing at comforting my boyfriend because I don't know what's wrong."

Nadia felt herself jump at the word 'boyfriend', forgetting Henry wasn't present, "It's not your fault honey. This- _all_ of this- is so hard to navigate. It's not your fault. And it's not his fault. Okay?"

Alex acknowledged her, but it was clear he did not agree.

A pregnant pause between them

"Can I get you something? Soda? Water? Juice? ...Beer?"

Alex looked at her incredulously, and Nadia cracked a smile. They stood a moment then doubled over laughing.

They laughed so loud that John peeped out to see what the commotion was.

Alex hated to admit it, and god, he would never say it out loud, but when John walked in the moment was ruined.

"Wha?" John whispered.

"Nothing." Alex said, reaching for a capri-sun out of the fridge.

John looked angry, "What? What funny?"

Alex blushed, trying to change the subject, "Oh Nadia just made a joke and offered me a beer. Just something stupid. You ready to go back upstairs?"

John glared daggers at Nadia, then snarled at Alex, "You left."

"You asked me to leave?" Alex responded, confused.

_He left you. he's on Nadia's side. He doesn't want you, he wants to be here with her and they both hate you because you're fucking stupid stupid can't even say the word HOUSE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU_

"Go."

Alex paused, "Wh- huh?"

"Leeaah.... Go ugh! GO!"

John watched Alex's confusion melt to despair, "You want me to leave?"

"John-" Nadia cut in but stopped herself short, deciding instead to abandon the kitchen, excusing herself to the living room.

Alex just stood there, unsure what to do, if he could even move his body. He should stay, even if John says to go he should just stay.

“Go! Go! Leee—ave. Leave.” John said again, forceful and agitated.

“John why— why are you being like this?! Please just.. just tell me, I just want to help.” Alex said, trying to seem forceful but his eyes were beginning to glass over.

“Not help! Not listen!! You- her- ” John says, anger still fueling his words. “Just go.”

“I just— I just want to be here, don’t you get it? That I love you? I love you so damn _much._ Do you not understand that I want to help you? And maybe I’m a little misguided sometimes but god damn if I don’t try!” the tears begin to pour over, sobs sneaking in and breaking up his lament. “I just— I don’t know. Am I too much? All at once? I don’t know what to do. I—“ Alex wipes his face on his sleeve. He searched for an out, and glanced up at the clock, “I gotta go. Martha wanted me home by dinner.” He lied.

Alex rushes out, tears still streaming.

"Wh- wa-iit wait!" John ran up toward the door, but Alex slammed it behind him.

John stood before the door. He knew full well that he should follow Alex. That he should run out into the cold, damp January air. But he was stuck. Frozen.

"Jack?" Nadia called softly from the hallway.

_"Only Mama and Alexander can call me that."_ John said, clear as day.

Nadia was stunned at the cohesive string of words, "Okay... I'm sorry. John, honey? Do you wanna-" _talk about it?? No. I do not._ "Talk about it?"

John shook his head, tears dropping to the floor.

"Oh hon..." She said, walking closer now, "Do you- uh... Can I hug you?"

To her surprise, John nodded. She walked up and hugged him from behind, but he turned around and squeezed her tight.

The rocked like that a moment, John crying a damp patch onto Nadia's blouse. Nadia shushing him, petting his hair.

"It's okay. You made a mistake, you're human. It happens. I love you okay? You're okay..." And repetitions of the same combined with the hum of the heater brought John a sense of calm. Though every nerve in his body, every instinct, like pinpricks told him the feeling was _wrong_.

When Nadia felt him relax then tense again she said, "Why don't you go lay down some more? I'll make some breakfast burritos or something. I know it's late but it's an eggs and cheese kinda day."

John hummed in agreement, making his way back upstairs.

* * *

Alexander was a ghost going through the motions as he ran home. He stopped running a few minutes in when he realized John didn’t follow.

He doesn’t know what hurt worse, that he ran or that John didn’t follow.

That was selfish, Alexander. This isn’t a Taylor Swift music video, okay?

Alexander eventually makes it home, the minute he closes the door behind himself he rests his head on the cool glass. God, what the fuck is wrong with him? He had to run? Huh? Just like his biological father, run when things get hard.

He chooses to ignore the tears still seeping out of his eyes.

“Alexander? Is that you?” George’s baritone voice booms through the house softly. Alex just sighs and turns, knowing his face is tear streaked and probably puffy by now. George stands behind him in a knit sweater and jeans, the man looks relaxed for the first time in a long time.

Alexander wipes his face and forces a smile. “Hey, day off? You deserve it George, did you watch Star Wars again? You always do that when you have a few days off hah, we should finish that lego Death Star some day—“

“Alexander you sold yourself down the River by babbling,” George interjects with a chuckle. “Come on my boy, let’s get you some tea, and talk.”

Alexander doesn’t say anything. He just drops his jacket on the ground and slams into George in a tight hug as he cries softly into the warm knit of George’s sweater. George stands stunned for a moment, the boys are always more emotional around Martha.

Maybe it’s just the lack of Martha being home,

But George feels important in his sons life at this moment.

He just wraps an arm around Alex, rubbing his back as he cries.

George guides him to the couch, starting up where he was paused halfway through Revenge of the Sith. Eventually Alex’s breath evens out, and he falls asleep leaning on George.

John doesn't sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Point out errors, Kam is too lazy to edit.
> 
> Please leave comments, we need them for fUeL 
> 
> Thanks, kisses <3


	17. Eight of Swords

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Physical Child Abuse
> 
> Letters, Fights, and Love Love Love

**January 19 - Escalations - Dr. Day's office**

John tapped his foot nervously as he sat in the all familiar waiting room of Dr. Day's office.

It was one of the best waiting rooms he's ever been in, the walls were a light blue color, with a tall white bookshelf for the patients to peruse while they waited for her to call them back. He was hyper-aware of the plush material of the chair, the humming of a white noise machine, the receptionist typing away on her computer behind the desk. One person comes out, and Dr. Day comes to the waiting room for John, smiling. She always is a quirky dressed woman, today in a black and white polka dot dress, and tights with little red hearts stitched onto them, and bright patent leather red Mary Jane heels. Her hair is very perfectly curled, and a red headband over her bangs. It makes John smile at how ready she is for Valentine's day. 

"Hi, John! Are you ready? I missed you last week, you weren't yourself." she says as she begins walking back to her office, John in tow. He sits down on the couch, his usual seat of choice in her office, fidgeting with the letter in his hands, an envelope with something near 'Dr. Day' scribbled on the cover.

"What is that John?" she asks, leaning forward on her knee, waiting for a response. He doesn't respond, just shoves the envelope into her hands and pulls back quickly, folding into himself, arms crossed. She studies him, then the envelope, and opens it gingerly. 

" _Dr. Day, I am sorry about last week. I just have been feeling ~~crushed~~ stuck with my communication. I don't want to fall back, I don't want to get worse and I just felt like I was getting worse. I need to get better. I want to get better. I fought with Alex, I feel so bad. I made him cry. I never ever want that to happen again. He isn't answering my texts. that isn't important to you. I'm sorry about last week."_

"John, dear, what is this?" 

He scoffs and rolls his eyes jokingly, ending with a soft smile "a-apology." 

"John," she says, resting a warm palm on his knee, smiling softly. "John you don't have to apologize to me, I know it's frustrating and I know you get upset about this. We're good, I'll never be mad at you about what happens here." 

He nods nervously "O-okay. Not mad. Not." 

"Now, take your time, and tell me what happened with Alexander." 

he nods again, more confident now, but still folded in on himself, "Okay, Alexander." 

Dr. Day Waited patiently as John formulated an answer. He was more responsive today than he had been these past few months, which she would count as a win. But she knew this version of John. This was guilty John, still stuck in his head, John. Just-made-a-self-destructive-decision-and-doesn't-want-to-own-it.

After minutes of consideration, silence and John opening and closing his mouth quickly, words falling off his tongue before they can come to fruition

"Can you tell me what you're thinking?" She asked, leaning forward in her seat again, trying to prompt him to spill.

John contemplated an answer, "Bad... Bad person?"

Her eyes softened, "John. You are not a bad person-"

"Huuurt him. I. Hurt him. Hurt... people. Always."

Dr. Day sighed, "Look. I won't know what happened until you tell me, but if I had to guess... you're still pushing him away, aren't you."

John's eyes wandered away from Dr. Day's face.

"John?"

John took a breath, "Alexander... want help... me. But I dunno... how? I don't know wh... w-ah..."

"Starts with 'w' ends with 't'," She prompted.

John nodded slowly, "I dunno... wh- aaaht to... tell? Him? How help? Ugh..."

Dr. Day reached for his hand, stopping him from balling it, "Hey, you know what, I understand what you're trying to say. I know you're a perfectionist John, but you _are_ communicating. It may sound a little different than what you would want, but I know what you're trying to say. I think that maybe you don't know what to tell him because you don't know what you need. So I want you to think about that and maybe write him something like this-" she waved the letter, "that way you can have all your thoughts and feelings in one place. How about we work on that today."

John nodded, smiling awkwardly and taking the pen and paper she handed him.

Alex wouldn't answer his phone. John stared at the long strings of texts. Almost felt compelled to FaceTime him again.

He examined the letter. It was wrapped in a pretty envelope. One with shiny gold edges and soft cream paper. He turned it in his hands, remembering the pretty cursive he used, the stack of screwed up drafts on Dr. Day's table, and then on his desk.

He jumped as the front door slammed, rattling the walls.

Oh shit.

That couldn't be good.

"Jack!"

John closed his eyes, steadied himself, "Coming!"

He rounded the stairs to find Henry in Nadia's face.

Anger bubbled in him. That hadn't happened before...

"Yesss?" He answered, cursing himself for slipping in front of his father.

"Mr. Washington called today, Jack. Do you have anything you would like to tell me?" Henry seethed, abandoning towering over Nadia to do the same to John instead.

_Mr. Washington? What could he have wanted._

He shrugged, shook his head.

"You've been spending time with that _boy_ again?" John could hear and practically feel the distaste of the word 'boy', and knew Henry had wanted to say something else.

"My friend-"

"Bullshit! That's bullshit and you _know it,_ " John felt spit land on his face. Closed his eyes. If he closed his eyes it would all just go awa-

Flying, countertop corner hard in his side, Nadia gasped.

"Answer me faggot," Henry seethed, picking John up by the shirt.

John tried every method he could to throw some words together in his brain and get them the _fuck out of his mouth you idiot_

But his throat was dry and all he could get out was a sharp gasp of pain.

"I'm going to give you until the count of three to give me a damn good reason not to tear you limb from limb. You've had enough warnings."

"Henry-" _Nadia's voice. She was scared._

"Shut up, bitch! One," Back on the floor now, pain from his tailbone then up to his spine.

"Two." John gasped for air.

"Dad- pleaaaa pl- nngh..."

"Three!"

If you asked John what happened after that... he couldn't tell you. Maybe because he lacked the words to describe it. Or perhaps he didn't remember at all. But between being thrown about his kitchen and trying to form an explanation for simply existing as a nuisance to Henry Laurens, he ended up at the Washington's doorstep. Found himself too weak to knock, settled for the doorbell cam, which sucked because they would likely see him before they actually opened the door.

He didn't register who answered the door, or who carried him inside, just handed the crumpled envelope with Alex's name out of his pocket.

Then he took a nap.

Woke up in Alex's lap, fingers in his hair, ice packs on his jaw and hip. Assured them he didn't really hit his head badly, just knocked his chin good. The envelope was unopened in Alex's hand. Fell back asleep.

This time when he awoke, he was in a new shirt and Martha cooing over him. Saying she wouldn't take him anywhere unless he asked her to. He assured her he was fine. He didn't hit him hard. Just exhausted. From a lot of things. In so many words of course, but she understood. Vaguely registered Alex's hand holding his own, and George lingering behind the couch. Where was Laf?

"On his way," George responded.

Oh. He asked that out loud. Oops.

In Alex's arms now, envelope open, Alex crying softly into his shoulder.

" _Alexander,_

_first, I am so sorry. I never want to see you cry again, I never want to be the reason you cry again. I just have to explain a few things: I want to get better, I want to be better I want to be who I was six months ago. I want to be who I was ~~before the accident.~~ no, that's not true. My life before the accident was not as good as this one, because I have you in this life. I have you to hold my hand and help me and guide me and just be here and I pushed you away and hurt you. It's going to take time, but I want to use my voice, I want to be heard. Dr. Day said to get all my feelings out and on a paper so I can tell you, so here it is: _

_Thank you. Thank you for being here and always wanting the best for me even if I didn't like your methods. ~~Pro Lo Quo is stupid~~ Dr. Day told me to scribble that out, but the statement still stands. Thank you for caring about me and thinking about me and being there when I needed you. _

_My dad has been, worse than ever. I won't go into details here, that's not what this letter is about. This letter is about how much I love you, how the moments when my father was the worst to me, were the moments I thought of you. where words came and hurt me, your soft hands were in mine. Where his insults landed, your complements healed._

_Thank you for just being here_

_I love you beyond words, but hopefully, this letter will give you the smallest idea of how much you mean to me._

"I'm so sorry Jack. I should have known something was up when you called. When you texted me over and over. You _never_ text! God..."

John turned in his arms, took Alex's face in shaky hands, "No. No 'sorry'. I. Mess up. Not you. You... perfect. Okay?"

"Jacky-"

"Okay?"

Alex nodded, smiled all watery.

John smiled back, ignoring the pain in his jaw. Rested his forehead against Alexander's.

"John..."

John hummed something like an answer, pressed his lips carefully, cautiously, to Alex's.

John hadn't imagined his first kiss would feel like this. Sure, the circumstances were very different. But that's not exactly what felt different. It was the softness of it. How slow, and easy, and completely natural it was. Kissing Alex came as easily as breathing. Instinctual. And perfect perfect perfect.

The gravity of _why_ he was here wasn't lost on either of them. But somehow they both knew that what they needed couldn't be communicated with words. It could only be spoken like this. Holding one another. Gentle kisses and soft whispers traded, in tears of emotions not yet with a name. This was love.

And John's heart was so full.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY LEAVE A COMMENT PLEASE YES THIS CHAPTER IS LATE BUT KAM'S LIFE IS A DAMN MESS SOOOOOO
> 
> But really please leave a comment. Even if it's "aaaaa" or ";-;" or a whole damn analysis. Just please. Comment.


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